When the Rain Stopped Falling... A Short Short Story

It was raining, but when the man saw the woman across the street, the drops of rain stopped in the sky, frozen in space, suddenly afraid of falling any farther than they already had. They dared not to move one molecule until the problem was resolved between the two lovers.
“Carrie!” he shouted to her, but she pretended not to hear.
Ben, trying to dodge suspended drops of rain, ran across the street to where she stood, mesmerized by a shop window of some store he knew she would never go into. She saw him walk towards her in the reflection of the glass. She watched his body move around the raindrops, his damp shirt showed off the curves of his strong shoulders. His light brown hair, now dark from the rain, clung to his beautiful face. She felt her heart pound as her desire and for him grew, but her fear grew faster. It’s too late, she thought to herself, I’m hopeless. Carrie noticed that he was far enough from her so that he would have to make a strong effort to catch her. She turned to leave but a rather large raindrop positioned itself in front of her face, halting her movement, giving Ben the opportunity to catch up with her.
“Carrie!” he called to her again. “Can I talk to you?”
“Now is not a good time, Ben.”
“We need to talk.”
Reluctantly, she gave in. She had no choice; a puddle had moved under her feet and held on to her shoes. The rain that had fallen on her face before the story began looked like tears around her eyes. She knew that she had to talk to the man, she just didn’t want to talk about what they needed to talk about. Lay low on the defensive, she thought, that always seems to work. “About what?” she finally said.
Her words caught him ruff around the edge. He didn’t want to anything either; he didn’t want to say the words that would make everything real instead of keeping it all in the imaginary.
But before he could get out the words that were stuck at the bottom of his lungs, Carrie quickly said, “It’s not going to work, Ben. I have things I need to sort out before I get into a relationship...”
Her words trailed off in his ear; those were not the words he was going to say...
“... and I think I just need time by myself...” she continued.
It was obvious that she was trying to let him of the proverbial “hook” she had hung him on. He didn’t understand; he wanted to be with her. He wanted to brush the curls of her red hair out of her eyes in the morning like he had done only once before. He was addicted to her face, to her round soft cheeks, spotted slightly with freckles. He wanted to kiss her, press his lips against the lips that had oddly formed words that seemed too foreign for him to understand. His heart beat fast in the dreaded anticipation that he may never see this woman again.
Carrie placed her hand over her heart, tapping her fingers on her skin. “In here...” she began, “it just hurts too much to try again.”
“But we haven’t even tried for the first time-”
“I don’t know if I am ready for you...”
Her round blue eyes caught their reflection in the millions of the surrounding raindrops. (They couldn’t wait to see what happened next...) Carrie reached into her chest, pushed past her ribs and the left lung, and with a deep breath and a soft tug, she pulled her beating heart out of her body. It lay in her open hand, unprotected and vulnerable. The heart had many cracks in it and it beat irregularly. Several quick, silver sparks sprang from it, like a shorted circuit. “It’s fragile, and I am afraid that any more damage may cause it to break entirely.”
They both stood facing each other, examining the heart.
“Can you handle something like this?” she asked him.
Without a word, a look or a smile- without any warning whatsoever- Ben reached into his chest and pulled out his heart, too. The raindrops, meanwhile, though they found this all very romantic, felt tired of holding their spot in the sky and thought that perhaps it was finally time to let go of their fear and fall again; this time, with the intention of washing away the blood that had seeped into the cracks and crevasses of the hearts that still lay in the silly humans’ hands. Carrie could see the deep wounds that Ben’s heart held; some healed, some still fresh. She looked at her own; they resembled each other’s.
“I guess I’m not the only one.”
Ben shook his head no. He gave her a slight smile. “The question is, are we ready for each other?”
The rain began to come down light at first, then harder, fusing with the blood that had pooled in their hands, diluting it to make the liquid overflow and tumble onto the sidewalk, splashed into the puddles at their feet, spilled into the water gathering in the street and mixed with the water that flowed in the gutters. The blood was no longer red by the time it reached the sewer; it had all become one with the water, indistinguishable and unfamiliar as a separate entity.
As eyes watched the water flow under the city, the two people who had stood on the sidewalk, wondering whose heart was damaged more, began to melt under the weight of the falling rain.

A Break from the Novel: "Changing My Mind: A short story"

I don’t like being old. It isn’t working for me. I wish I could have a younger body again. I’ve forgotten how to move without these aches and pains, creaks and moans, the oohs and ahhs and oh nos. But at least I can move; I can swim. Every morning, I wake up to my internal clock that drives me to the pool in the darkness. I slink into the water and feel its coolness surround me, lift me, stretch me, welcome me back to life. I glide, I flutter, I float. It’s wonderful. Then back to gravity. Ooh.
After swimming, I drive out to my daughter’s house. She lives close to my youngest daughter. Today it’s Julie’s house, tomorrow it’s Abby’s. Julie’s vegetable garden is on the south end of her property, in full blazing sun. Her forty acres stretch from the road to the creek. Half of the property is rented out to one of the local farmers who had decided to plant alfalfa this year. When he plants corn, you can sit out on the back deck and listen to the wind breeze across the tops. Close your eyes and you’ll think of the lake; the big vast blue of Lake Michigan that lies only ten miles east of here. It’s so quiet here, unlike my house. It used to be quiet, nearly 40 years ago when we first built. But now, with the near by expressway getting busier and the new developments popping up everywhere, the peaceful sounds of the countryside have slowly turned into the sounds of a growing city. I suppose we could move, but the house is paid for and the gardens are in bloom. Where else would I want to be other than my home?
I pull up the long gravel driveway, twisting this way and that way, listening to the stones pop up underneath the tires. The crickets are deafening as I step out of the car. I reach for my gardening box before I shut the door, a sound that ricochets off of the garage and wakes up the dog. A large yellow lab starts to howl from his kennel several yards always from the house. I take a deep breath of the sweet fresh air. With my box in tow, I head for the kennel to say hi to Ollie and make my way to the garden. The dog’s tail is waging so fiercely that his whole back-end moves, his hind feet slightly lifting off the ground from the rapid movements. His tongue is lapping at his lips and I know that if I open the door, his tongue will be all over my face. My back is aching and I decide to spare myself the unnecessary discomfort of trying to bat his paws off of my shoulders.
“Hi, puppy,” I call to him, wave my fingers at him which sends him into more frenzy, more excitement, and more waging. Just two of my fingers fit comfortably through the wire fence and he greedily licks them like he hasn’t seen another soul for months.
“Whas-a-matter, puppy? Don’t they love you here?” A question I already know the answer to. Ollie is never want for anything. His toys litter the cement floor of his kennel, plastic containers of treats and goodies line the outside of the fence. His round, golden tummy jiggles a little as he jumps up down. Oh, yes. He is loved. I wave to the dog again and reassure him that I will stop by later when I am finished in the garden. Ah, the garden. I couldn’t count them among their wild branches, but I know that somewhere in the jungle there are about 40 tomato plants growing. I smile to myself. Oh, heck, there’s no one around so I laugh loudly. I could just taste the juicy sweetness of a red, ripe tomato, dripping down my chin. We used to eat them like apples when I was little. My dad’s little garden producing the most wonderful tastes with the most unconventional methods, like old leather shoes buried in the asparagus patch. Fertilizer, he had called it. I’m glad to see his passion for gardening is being passed down to my children. Hopefully, when Julie’s girls are older and more settled, they’ll love it too. I laugh again. Julie is now the proud owner of an empty nest. Her youngest has been gone for two weeks now to the university. I wonder how she’s coping. Me, personally- I couldn’t wait to get them all out of the house. After six kids and countless baseball and football games in the back yard, I am finally able to have my garden. My flowers, finally, have a chance to live.
Ooh. My back stiffens slightly as I bend over, readying to pull weeds. Ahh. My legs shake as I stand back up. I don’t how she does it, that Julie. She’s been a dancer since she was little. So much energy. Now she’s a fitness instructor and coordinator at a posh, upscale health center. She teaches, yoga, pilates, spinning, aerobics, some other classes I could never take, and her newest fad, Zumba. She said it was like salsa dancing. I said I eat salsa, not dance it. I’m too old for those kinds of things. I’ll stick to my swimming. But what she really loves is biking. She’s already rode in several century rides this year, and is always looking for more. I wish I had her energy. I wish I had a young body again. Not that I would go bike riding, mind you. But I might be persuaded to take a Zumba lesson or two. I giggle at the thought of my 5 foot round frame boogieing to beat of the salsa drum.
I set my eyes on the reddest, roundest tomatoes I have seen in a long time. My mouth starts to water. I can’t wait to get home and sink my teeth into them. Oh, my teeth. That’s another thing. With three pulled within this year alone, the rest are not looking too good. I think it’s next Tuesday that I go back to the dentist. We’ll see what torture he has planned for me next. I place the weeds in one pile outside of the garden boarder and the tomatoes in my handy basket. Julie’s husband, Matt, told me to just leave them there and he’ll pick them up with his tractor. With this size of yard, he needs one, but I think he wanted this size of yard just to be able to get one. Not to mention the 4-wheeler and the go-cart stashed somewhere on the property. Boys and their toys.
I make my way back up to the house, and Ollie starts to bark. His hind is facing me, so it’s not me he’s barking at. As I come up over the hill, I see the always smiling face of my third oldest. “Well, hello there!” she calls to me.
“Look what I got!”
“Don’t you want some more?” she seemed to beg rather than ask.
“Oh, I’ll be back.”
We meet at the top of the hill a ways away from the dog. He’s doing his frenzy dance again. Julie ignores him and walks me back to the house.
“Ooh,” I say as I place the basket on the cool garage floor.
“Stiff?”
“Yeah, it must the weather changing.”
“Getting cooler out.” We both nod our heads in agreement.
“I was just thinking how nice it would be to have a younger body like you again. No aches and pains.”
Julie laughs.
“Not to say that you don’t have your share, but it’s not like mine.”
“True. But do you know what I was just thinking?”
I shook my head.
“I was thinking how I would like to be you for a day, to see first hand what some of my clients at the club go through. I have so many that are older, and to know how they move, what their aches and pains are may help me to understand how to help them better.”
I was shocked. I never thought that a younger woman would want to try out my body. I always thought they were wishing that they had the bodies of their 20 year old daughters, not the body of their 73 year old mother. It was my turn to laugh.
“Well, if you want to switch, by all means. I’m game!”
Julie shrugged. “Ok.” She took a step back and cocked her head to the side. She gives a slight nudge to the left and crack, she was loose. She twists her head to the left, all the way around her self, and lifting it up and off of her body. I shrugged and followed her lead. Tilt, crack, twist, twist, twist. We looked at each other through floating eyes. Gently, our hands held out our heads to each other, and just as gently, took them back again. Julie placed hers on top and gave a nudge to the right. “Remember, righty tighty, lefty loosey,” came out of her mouth that was now on top of my body. Twist, twist, twist, and I was on too. We look at each other. If it wasn’t for the different body shapes, I would have never know that she is me and I am her. Or am I?
“I don’t feel any different.”
“Neither do I.”
“Bend- do something.”
She bent over to pick up the basket of apples. “Ooh, yeah. I can feel it.”
I smiled. So I wasn’t crazy. I took the basket from her and immediately felt a twinge in my lower back. “Ow! What was that?”
“My back has been bugging me for years.”
“Really?”
“Yep. And my feet ache a lot too.” I could feel it.
“Behind the calf?”
“Yes, that can turn into Charlie Horses if I’m not careful.”
“What’s that pain in the back of my neck?”
“I pulled that painting one year. Never been the same since.”
“And the shoulders?”
“I rode 50 miles this morning. Still a little sore. But wait until tomorrow! That’s when it really hits.”
I suddenly felt very disappointed. “How do you feel?”
“Fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yeah. Nothing unusual. Pretty much the same.”
“Knees?”
“I have the same creaks.”
“Hands?”
“Mine hurt, too, sometimes. After I pull weeds or fold laundry.”
I could feel the pain within them. “What about your energy?”
“I feel good. How do you feel?”
“Tired.”
“You should! You just rode fifty miles!” she laughs.
“Well, you just swam a mile and a half!” I retorted.
“Want to come in for some breakfast?”
“Sure, but can I have my body back?”
“Are you saying you don’t want to keep the younger body?”
“No, I guess I’m doing pretty good after all.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“So, what did you learn?”
“I learned that my clients are bunch of whiners."
“I don't think they're going to like hearing that."
"Tough. If my mom can do it, so can they!"
I smiled. I can do it, can’t I? I can soldier through the aches and pains to live another day. But why complain about it? I’m not the only one in the world who is old... I held out a tomato in my smooth, young hands. "There are some advantages of being younger," I say. We compare hands. They both look so familiar.
Julie shrugged. “They won’t last. Soon, they’ll look more like your hands.” They are like my hands.
They are my grandmother's hands, my father's hands, my mother’s hands, they are everyone’s hands. A warmth came over me as I think of Julie's girls and how their hands must also have this look. Perhaps that is where my youth lies. "Tomatoes for breakfast?" I ask her.
"What else is there? And don't forget to take some salsa home with you. I've made about 50 quarts already,” she says with a slightly disgusted and exhausted tone.
I suddenly remember all of the canning we used to do at home, when I was young and with my own daughters. All of the jars we had to sterilize, all the produce we had to gather and clean and peel or mash. All the futzing, the bubbling over, the spills, the messes...Ooh. I giggle slightly. Now that I'm older, I don't have to do that anymore. I'm able let the young ones do it and take a share in their bounty. I let the young ones do what young people are supposed to do. I don't have to do any of that anymore. No more shuttling around kids, no more basketball games or girl scouts, no more moving kids into apartments or dorms. Their on their own now. No more full time job. I especially like that one. I enjoyed doing some of that, being able to have my kids and to help them when I could. But it’s my time now. I have the time to do the things I want to do, to plant my gardens, to read my books, to enjoy my day where ever I want to be.
I change my mind. I like being old.

Chapter 9 Stripping it all down to a naked nothing

I woke up around 2 a.m. realizing that Kat never came back with those donuts. I wondered what she might be doing. Probably something fun that young people do, I thought to myself. The thought of the donuts make my stomach rumble. I quietly got up and went to the kitchen. Very carefully, I fixed myself some Rice Crispies with chocolate milk. I started to think about what the mayor had said when she called earlier. Basically, she said that I should take some time off; let myself heal. It wasn’t so much what she said, but how she said it. She spoke with such authority yet with a shaming undertone, like my grandma telling me that I shouldn’t be wearing so much makeup to school. Luckily, I am just as defiant today as I was back then. I’m just going to have to put my makeup on at school.
I nearly blew the microphone out of my phone with my discontented sigh. I agreed to take a few days off, see how that goes, as a mental break, but there was no way that I was taking myself off of the case. I was still keeping all five fingers on my left hand in the pot. I could let others do the paper work, but I could still do some of the dirty work. I was still the boss after all. Oh, hell. Who am I kidding? At the moment, I was as stable as Barney Feife.
I lifted the Rice Crispies to my ear to see if they offer me advice. Nothing I could use. Damn Crispies! The T.V. didn’t have anything worthwhile to offer me either. Billy Mays screamed at me for a while about my whiles and then later again about something else. I swear that guy is going to have a heart attack someday. I dozed on and off on the couch. Kali slept nearby, but she kept her distance. Maybe she could tell that I was restless and therefore left me to deal with my jolts and bolts of awake and sleep. But she still lifted her head every time I shifted my position for a more comfortable spot. She would look at me, blink, and rest her head again.
The DVD/VHS player read 4:26 a.m. I had only been asleep for a few minutes before the dream woke me up. A mixed-up array of places and people, doing who-knows-whatever, in wherever-places. One part of the dream, though, is clear as a bell. I think I was at a party, something to do with the family. I turned around and there was Kat as a child about ten years old. She was just standing there with the little smile she had, a kind of smirk actually, as though she really didn’t want to smile, but made an effort anyway. I immediately grabbed her and pulled into a hug. I started kissing her, and realizing who she was- my little baby sister standing in front of me- I realized that she was dead so I held her tighter, kissed her more, crying, not wanting to let her go. The really funny part of the dream was that she let me make a fuss over her. The real Kat would have put up a fuss, struggled a little, but my dream girl just stood there, letting her big sis fawn over her. And then she was gone- it was all gone- the room, the people, Kat, everything.
I sat up on the couch with a horrible feeling in my stomach. It could have been the cereal, but it felt more like the dream. I’ve had dreams before where one of my siblings or parents were dead but this dread felt so real, as though it were real. As though Kat were in fact dead. If I were to call my mom right now, and ask her…what would she say? I felt the answer in the pit of my heart, so when I reached for the phone, I pulled my hand back, because it was an answer I just didn’t want to hear right now.
I rose off of the couch without Kali looking at me. I walked heavily and wearily back into the bedroom and slipped as easily as I could back into bed. Tam snorted and gurgled, but for the most part, he stayed quiet and still asleep. I lay on my back, and stared at the ceiling and sometimes at the window and the small specks of light from the streetlamp that invaded the corners of the lowered blinds. I could still feel the dream; I could feel the emotions of sadness as I hugged her, the feeling of panic that she might disappear from my arms, the absolute terror at the thought that she was dead.
The alarm clock rang obnoxiously at 5:35 but I was still awake. Tam stirred, hit the snooze and rolled over. His left arm flopped over me rather awkwardly but I didn’t move it. Ten minutes later, the alarm rang again. This time tam turned it off and shook himself awake. He saw that I was awake too, and realized that I wouldn’t be getting up with him that morning. He kissed me on the forehead and on the lips. “I’ll call you at lunch,” he whispered to me, grabbed his uniform and headed out of the bedroom. A few minutes later I could smell the coffee brewing and a few minutes after that, I heard the door lock.
I sat up and contemplated actually getting up. I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like I had anything waiting for me outside of the bedroom door except for hungry cats. I didn’t have a job, Tam was off chasing bad guys and I couldn’t do much with my arm still bandaged. The world continued to turn without me.
There was a knock on the bedroom door. At first I thought it was Tam, but then Kat opened the door and stuck her head in.
“GET UP!” she yelled in.
“I am up.”
“Well, then…GET…UP!”
After the dream I had of her last night, I shouldn’t be annoyed with her visit but rather happy that she was there, in the flesh, alive and well. But I was.
“I had a dream about you last night.”
“Awe, that’s sweet.”
“Don’t get too excited. You were dead.”
She didn’t squeal in horror like I thought she would have. Instead, she looked down and then made her way over to the bed and sat near me. “I know this has all been really hard on you: the funeral, Kaylie…”
“Just promise me you’ll never leave me.”
“I promise.”
“But go away on occasion…”
She laughed, “I promise.”
“Will you help me get dressed?”
“Do I have to?”
“Please?”
“Oh, fine. But at least let me pick out your clothes. You spend every day looking like… well… like you. The least I can do is help you look good…” Her voice trailed off as she went sorting through my closet for something ’cool.’ Depressed over her selection, she pulled out my favorite jeans and a black t-shirt. “You win! An artist cannot create if she has nothing to work with!” She followed me to the kitchen after she helped me dress.
“Want some coffee?”
“No, thanks. I’m good.”
“Hey, whatever happened to those donuts you went out for last night?”
‘What?”
“Donuts! You left me a note.”
“I didn’t go out for donuts.”
“Really?”
She shrugged. “Sorry.”
“That’s odd.”
She shrugged again.
“The note- it was right on top of my journal.”
“Are you sure it was from me?”
“Maybe it was Colleen…”
“She goes for donuts, right?”
“I suppose.” The subject was soon forgotten as we watched more Dog Whisper reruns (a whole day marathon) on Nat Geo. The next time we spoke was when the phone rang at noon. It was Tam.
“We’re getting hungry,” I said.
“Who have you got there?”
“Just me and the cats…” I laughed at my own pun. Kat rolled her eyes.
“Would you like me to bring you something?”
“No, that’s ok. I can warm up some leftovers.”
“That won’t last you long. How about I pick up later and take you back to my house for a few days.”
I was shocked that he brought it up again, and so soon after his initial proposal. I took too many seconds trying to think up a reason to say no.
“The cats will be fine alone for a couple of days and I can check on them in the morning to make sure they have enough food and water.”
Again, I said nothing. Speak dummy!
“Molly?”
“I’ll be ok tonight. I think I need a night alone anyway. I haven’t have a minute to myself in a while.”
It was his turn to be silent.
“I’ll be fine. I didn’t sleep much last night, so I’ll most likely nap all day…”
He was still quiet. I didn’t know what else to say; Kali has separation issues; I’m expecting the cable guy in the morning; My mom is coming over… I had nothing.
“I’ll call you tonight.”
“Ok.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
And that was it.
I thought about calling my mom, to tell her what had happened. But if I did, she really would be up here within 24 hours, fussing over me, fixing things for me, yelling at me that I hadn’t called her sooner. I thought about Tam’s offer and being with him would have been nice, but his house is not my home. In some ways, I wish it was, but I’m not sure if I’m really ready for that transition in our relationship. The scars from my last relationship still hurt. What a stupid excuse. Tam was the best thing to come into my life and I will never in a million years find someone better; more stable, more responsible, more sensitive, more adoring and adorable, more wonderful, more willing to take care of my sorry ass. I trusted him with my life, but I don’t think it’s my life that I’m worried about.
***************************
Kat was gone when I woke up from my nap. I felt bad falling asleep, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I was hungry but I had eaten all of the leftovers at lunch and there was nothing recognizable in the fridge, except for the lime Margarita mix. What the hell…

I knew I shouldn’t have called him, but my fingers seemed to have a mind of their own. And then, I was going to give him a piece of my mind. Who did he think he was? Keeping secrets from me is not a part of this relationship. I hiccupped and realized my hypocrisy. I’m such a loser.
“You’re drunk.”
“No, I am not,” I lied.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Yes...” I hesitated to tell him, but it was the truth. I had been mixing myself some very strong On the Rocks Margaritas all night, well, at least for the last two hours or so. I never knew tequila could taste so good when mixed with equal parts of lime Margarita mix.
“What’s wrong?”
“Besides life?”
“Are you ok?”
“No.”
“What can I do?”
“Bring her back. Make life not hurt so much.”
“What if we take some time off?”
“It wouldn’t make a difference. She would still be gone.”
“You are still here...”
I cried when I heard his words. Hadn’t he realized yet that I would have given anything, done anything, to change places with her. I would have easily, gladly, have put me in her place in a heartbeat, in half of a heartbeat. No doubt, no question in my mind, I would have died for her.
“Molly?”
I sobbed to let him know I was still on the line.
“Molly, I’m coming over.”
“No,” I said. I didn’t want him here. I didn’t want anyone here, to see me sobbing, to see me drown in my tears. I wasn’t the dignified Sheriff everyone knew me as, correction, as he knew me. I was a puddle on the floor and I didn’t want his sympathy or his outstretched helping hand. I wanted to be left alone, to wallow alone in my own self pity, to let my own sorrow wash over me, bathe in the salt water of my tears, to let me wallow in the mud of a life I chose, and to somehow claw my way out of this whole mess. “Molly!” He shouted in my ear still glued to the receiver, but I couldn’t hear him anymore. My drunken sobs drowned the noise of the living out and I was left in my own quiet solitude, left to my own self-destructive thoughts of how I should have died instead, how she could have been saved, if only... oh... if only....
I must have passed out. I woke up slightly to the touch of his arms around me, carrying me to my bed. I felt the comfort of my blanket wrap around me, engulfing me in a sense of ease, a sense of protection that he was ready to give to me. Being an officer of the law or not, he was ready and armed to fight off the nightmares. I have never met someone so brave to fight off my nightmares.
Morning broke and he stayed, keeping vigil over me. I wanted to call to him, to say his name, to whisper to him my gratitude and love, but I puke over the side of the bed instead, right into the wastebasket he so thoughtfully left for me. I couldn’t help it. The words in my head got caught in my throat and made me vomit any romantic sayings I could ever dream up. Whatever trouble I caused him last night cannot compare to the hang over that plagued me. My pain is his comfort. He laughed at me as he patted my back in mocking sympathy, and I just let him.

4:00 a.m. and awoke to a very dry mouth. The glass of water I usually keep on my nightstand was as dry as I was. I longed for my stale drink still sitting in the living room, alone and warm. The directions on the bottle read 4 parts mix to 1 part tequila. I used equal parts. I smiled to myself, the ingenuity! The cleverness of putting in as much alcohol as sugar flavored mix. I felt very proud of myself for duping Tam. I don’t think he realized how drunk I was. Now I know why people drink. It takes everything away, washes it away like a wave upon the beach, sucking it back out to the ocean, back out into the mass of the primordial ooze, dissolves it, tries to make it pure again. Why don’t I stay here more often? So often I torture myself, I should love myself, make myself feel good. Drink more, feel less. Do I really enjoy this? Do I secretly need to be miserable? I wish I could remember her face, her voice, her eyes... oh fuck. I got the hiccups. I heard a snicker from the body next to me, so I punched it. “Ow!” It said, as I giggled. “Take that, naive...” He had flinched. Slowly, his right eye opened and looked at me. “Why?” He slowly gasped out. I smiled at him, and he knew that he was welcome, but it pained me to let him in, into my home, into my life. I hiccupped again, irritated. He just laughed. Funny for him, he doesn’t have the goddamned hiccups. I get up for a glass of water.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on him...” I hear in my ear. I know whose voice it is and I swat at it like a bug. “He loves you...” I heard it again... “Let him love you...” it said, so I swatted at it again. I think I hit it because it didn’t come back. I took my glass of water and my hiccupping shoulders to couch. “You ok?” Tam asked. I couldn’t answer him. Between the alcohol and the crying, my hiccups were here to stay. I shrugged.
I was completely unaware of what day it was, where I was, or even who I was. What a wonderful feeling, but it didn’t last long. Tam made his way to the kitchen and started to cook something. It smelled great. After a few minutes of whistling of a tune I couldn’t place, he came back to the couch and began to shove a plethora of carbohydrates in front of me, trying to coerce me to eat them all. I ate a little of the French Toast, but only because there was maple syrup to drown them in. Once that ran out, I lost interest and stopped eating all together. I wasn’t hung over; I was still drunk. The food hit my stomach and I had to run to the bathroom to keep from vomiting on the floor. My body felt toxic. All the while I wretched into the toilet, the song Rockin’ in the Free World by Neil Young rang in my head. It’s funny what the mind tells you when you can’t think straight. I wonder what life will be like with out me in it?
I pray to the porcelain goddess... It was supposed to be me.

Chapter 8 Riding out the Roller Coaster

I opened my eyes to see Tam talking with Dr. Dan in the doorway. There was a wheelchair parked just behind them. I had hope of leaving this god-awful place. They both turned to look at me at the same time. Tam tried to smile but Dan didn’t. Instead, he sauntered over to my bed, hit my leg lightly with his clipboard and asked the question, “How are we today?”
I grimaced at the proverbial “we” and tried to be as nice as I possible could.
“Fine. What time is it?”
“Around 3. You’ve been out for just a few hours. I think we gave too much morphine in the drip this morning. Do you have any pain now?”
I grit me teeth. “No more than normal.”
“I’m giving you a prescription to have filled on the way home. It will help take the edge off of the pain. Take it with food but do not drink alcohol with it. Ok?”
“Ok. Hey, how’s my face look?”
“It’s fine. The swelling is down, just two stitches here and one here,” he pointed to my mouth and eyebrow. “Other wise you look great.”
“Are you flirting with me?”
“Oh, yeah, flirting…” he said with a deadpan tone. He rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you later. Let me know if you need anything,” he started talking to me, but finished the sentence by turning to Tam; he nodded. Dan handed Tam a clipboard, whispered something to him, gave me a little wave and stepped out of the room. Tam tapped his thumbs on the board. He walked slowly to me.
“You need to sign these before we can go.”
I nodded, and then tried to sign my name with my left hand. It was slightly legible, and completely legal. I hoped. It was then that I noticed that the wires and tubes were gone from my arm and that I was free to move about the left side of me.
“When’d they do that?” I asked the air as I moved my left arm up and down like a newly freed puppet. Tam ignored me. He took the board and the papers and left the room. Without a sound, without a word; I looked after him in complete confusion, especially when I heard a little whisper in my left ear. I was about to swat at when I glimpsed the face of Kat inches away from me.
“What the hell?” I let slip as I turned my head to face her. She just smiled at me. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you want?”
“Why are you so pissy with me? He’s the one who virtually ignored you,”
“You saw that too, huh?”
“What’s going on?”
“Hell if I know. I just woke up. It’s as though I have the plague or something”
“The word around the hospital... is that...”
“What?”
“I shouldn’t tell you. You’ll get upset.”
“What are they saying?”
She sighed. So did I. I knew what they were saying. “They think I’m lying about my arm, aren’t they? They think I’m holding a secret and that somehow, all this mystery could be lifted if I would just confess.” Her look said it all. I fell back into the bed and turned onto my left side. Kat pulled the chair up to the bed to be closer to be. We looked at each other.
“Is there something you want to confess?”
“Um, I stole a piece of candy from the grocery store when I was five...”
“Can’t you be serious for one minute?”
“Seriously? You want seriousness? I am serious, I can’t remember what may have happened to cause fractures in my arm. Christ, how did I become the bad guy?”
“You were the last one to be alone with a little girl who is now dead,”
“What are you saying?” My question was interrupted with Tam pounding back in, running the wheelchair into the door jam, and then shoving it through the doorway into my room. I grimaced. I hoped he doesn’t do that when I’m sitting in it. That would really put a sour note into our relationship.
“Let’s go.”
“Uh, ok. Can you help me up?”
Tam let out a labored sigh, then moved around the wheelchair to fetch my clothes in the closet. Kat held my arm from behind me and helped me stabilize until I was able to get to edge of the bed. I slowly sat up, swung my feet over the edge. Tam met me there and helped me dress. Slowly, we finished, but my jacket wouldn’t fit over my cast, as my shirt barely did, so we hung it over my shoulder. We proceeded to leave the room without notice. We quietly slipped out and disappeared through the sliding doors. Tam helped me into his truck and then wheeled the chair back to the lobby. Kat slid into the second row seating and sat back. She was quiet for the entire trip. I wanted her to say something, to break the tension, but perhaps she was just as overwhelmed by it all, just as I was. Tam slammed his door shut and started the roaring engine. It wasn’t a long drive back home, but it seemed like it took forever in the silence. He didn’t even look at me. He was too fixated on the road. I watched his eyes. They darted back and forth across the road, into the trees, across the fields, and glancing up at the mirror. I felt like screaming ‘What the hell is going on with you?’ but I didn’t. He was up to something. And knowing him, it was best not to interrupt him. It was like when I’m “off somewhere,” as Kat had said. It was always best not to interrupt me. I liked to snap at people, and so did Tam. I decided to just watch him. With this realization also came a sense of relaxation. With this realization, it meant that he wasn’t angry with me; he was preoccupied. Granted, he could have expressed it better, and not be so rough around me, but I was getting used to it. This is the work part of our relationship, and he never ceases to surprise me.
After twenty minutes of complete silence, a sound circulated in the air. “Damn it,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
I lost my patience. “Oh, no you don’t. You tell me what the hell is going on.”
He pulled the truck over onto the side on the road. “Wait here.”
I was dumbstruck. “Excuse me?”
He yelled into the cab before he slammed the door, “Stay here!” The sound of his voice threw me back into my seat. I watched him walk across the road and disappear into a thin stand of trees just back off of the road.
“Where is he going?” asked Kat. I had forgotten that she was still there.
“I don’t know.” I prepared myself to jump out after him, but the seat belt stuck and then my cast whacked against the door and I couldn’t get the handle to release. Kat snickered. “You could help me.”
“Tam said that you should stay here.” I looked at her in shock.
“Since when do you do anything anyone tells you to do?”
She shrugged. I turned around in my seat to see Tam emerging from the trees. I could see his breath in the air. He had been running. He jogged back to the truck, hopped in and started the engine. Within seconds of his return, we were back on the road. He kept looking back at where he had come from.
“Did you find anything?”
“No.”
“What were you looking for?”
He said nothing.
“I’m still on this case, you know. I’m still your boss...”
“This has nothing to do with you,” he snapped.
I shut my mouth to keep my lips from trembling.
A few minutes later he pulled up into my parking lot. He got out of the truck and moved quickly to my side and opened my door for me. He helped me out and then again up the stairs to my apartment. The door was open; I rarely lock it. He took my coat and hung it up and said that he realized that he forgot to get my prescription filled. He kissed my forehead and ran out of the door. It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to object. I stared after him and watched him drive away. He’ll be back, I tried to reassure myself. He must come back, right? He’s bringing me my pain pills. I sighed. I turned around and heavily sat on the couch next to Kat. She turned to look at me.
“Don’t say a damn thing,” I scowled at her.
“Not a word will cross these lips. Want a donut?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think he’ll be back?”
I started to cry. Kat put her hand behind my head and helped me to lay down on the couch. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and said in a soothing voice, “Just think happy thoughts.” Her words were like melted chocolate. I drifted off wishing I had a candy bar.

I woke about an hour later to Tam trying to be quiet in the kitchen. Kat was gone. I sat up and saw a wrinkled note lay on the coffee table, slightly draped over my journal. “Gone to get Donuts. Be back soon. XO Kat.” I tucked the note in the journal and slowly steadied myself for the trip to the kitchen. Tam’s back was to me. It looked as though he was cooking. Ah, he does love me.
“Hi,” came a scratch from my throat.
He spun around with the knife still in his hand. “Hi, How are you feeling?”
“Ok.”
“I got your pills. They’re there on the counter.” He pointed the way with the knife.
“Thanks.”
“You’ll want to use them. I’ve broken many bones in my day, and boy, the pain can sure be a bitch.”
I was surprised that he swore. He never swore, not any of the big ones anyway. I was the one who had the sailor mouth.
“Are you hungry?”
“A little. What are you making?”
“Your favorite.”
“My favorite favorite? Or just my favorite?”
“Your favorite favorite.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
I took a whiff and immediate sucked in the scent of meatballs in tomato sauce and buttered mashed potatoes. Oh god, I was in heaven. It was the modified version of stuffed peppers without the peppers. Peppers make me burp. I like them, just can’t eat them.
“I want to apologize...” Tam started to say. He kept looking down at the pot of potatoes he was mashing. “I didn’t mean to get curt with you. I just...was preoccupied. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll accept you apology if you tell me what was going on.”
He sighed. “I think we may have a rabid coyote on the lose.”
“Is that all?” I nearly laughed, but tried to keep it in.
“It’s enough,” he said calmly. “You don’t need to be worried about something like this. I can handle it.”
“I know you can, and I appreciate it, but seriously, you could have told me that!”
“I wanted to get you home first. I just got the news about it this morning and when we were driving home, I thought I saw a dead animal in the field. Turned out to be nothing. Just a pile of brush.”
“Oh,”
“Anyway, I’m sorry. Here, taste this.”
Tam’s food was like an elixir; one taste and all of your cares and worries melted away. I had to forgive him. This was delicious.
“Mmmm. Fantastic.”
He smiled. “I was going to make spaghetti, but I thought that would be cruel.”
We both laughed as I wiggled my cast in the air. My laugh was not really a funny-ha-ha laugh but rather a sardonic ironic laugh. “Yes, that would have been hard.”
“Can you mange to get some plates?”
“Sure.” I tried to find the humor in my cast, but it just wasn’t there. I really did rely on my right arm for so much. I laughed to myself thinking that Tam was like my right arm man. I secretly hoped that he would never get broken.
After dinner, Tam helped me dress for bed. I told him I was going to have to learn how to do it on my own, and he said something that stunned me more than his swearing. “Maybe you should move in with me.” And then he added, “For a while. Until you feel more stable.” I didn’t give him an answer, not even with the amended part. I turned off the light. I couldn’t cuddle up to him sleeping on the left side so we fell asleep on the opposite side of the bed of where we usually slept. It felt strange at first, but I fell asleep too fast to really begin to care.

Chapter 7 How can I frighten the frightening?

I woke up in darkness. A dull glow came from the hallway. I slowly remembered where I was. I reached for the call-button but I knocked over a cup of water and the large, chucky phone that sat on the tray by the bed. I also noticed that they gave me an I.V. as I had knocked that over too and screamed as the needle yanked out of arm. The lights suddenly came on and I could have sworn I heard the nurse say: “They said you were going to be trouble...” She pressed the call button for assistance as she bent over me and sang: “Whoopsies! What did you do?” Her breath smelled like onions. The other nurse raced in and thankfully didn’t say a word. She went straight over to my bleeding arm. The noisy nurse on the other hand kept talking to me as if I were a child. She wiped up the spilt water, which was nice of her. She did provide distraction because after just a few seconds nurse number two had replaced my I.V. without me realizing it. “How’s that?” she asked. “I didn’t even notice,” I marveled. She smiled at me. “If there’s anything you need, ask for Lisa.” I smiled back at her. “Thanks.” I watched nurse number two leave, silently wishing that she wouldn’t leave me alone with doorknob number one and her onion breath. She was still sputtering about the spilt water. I turned on the T.V. to drown out her nauseating voice when Tam came in. He wasn’t smiling. The nurse didn’t see him and kept on. I turned the T.V. off and asked her if she wouldn’t mind stepping out for few minutes. She was about to protest when she saw Tam, this large looming man staring dead pan at her. She immediately shut up and excused herself. She closed the door and the silence in the room rang in my ears. I almost wished she hadn’t left. Tam sat down in the chair next to the bed. He didn’t say anything. I had a feeling that this time, it wasn’t because of me.
“Kylie’s gone,” he whispered. I didn’t say anything. “She didn’t give us much information, unfortunately. They are doing an autopsy right now. Betsy is a wreck. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t make it through...” His voice stopped. I could tell he was more than usually upset. Tam was a good friend of Betsy’s brother Matt in High School. He was also one of the first on scene when Matt’s car went off of the Windham Bridge a few years ago.
I didn’t know what to say. I was still so tired and weak from the medicine, but I could still feel the tears run down the sides of my face. I just had her in my arms. I could still feel her little body safely cradled in my arms, her breath on my neck.
“Can I get you some water?” I heard a deep, soothing familiar voice say.
I nodded.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.”
I pictured her little body shivering in the cold. Why couldn’t I have found her earlier? I should have been out there looking for her instead of napping. Why wasn’t I there? We had a trail, and I should have been the one following it. Damn it, I should have never let Kelly be in charge of that. I should have done it myself.
“You can’t do everything, you know. You’re not Wonder Woman, though I know you think you are.” Kat stood next to me, giving me a stern, yet slightly sympathetic look.
“All I ever wanted to do was to stop the violence. Make the world a little safer to live in, you know?”
“Yes, I do know. But you could not have prevented this! You are not at fault here.”
“I could have found her.”
“Oh, really? Did you know where she was?”
“No.”
“Then, how could you have found her?”
“I should have paid more attention. It was my job to find her and I didn’t.”
“If she had lived, you wouldn’t be talking this way.”
“I had her in my arms- I just had her in my arms. I can still feel her- her cold little hands wrapped around me neck, holding on as tight as she could, not wanting to let go. I shouldn’t have let her go.”
“You have to let go sometime.”
“Nothing would have mattered if only she were alive.” I gulped. “I just had her, Kat...I just had her in my arms. I should have been there sooner...”
“You can’t dwell on the past anymore than you can go into the past and change things. Things are as they are. We have to live with that.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“Is it? I can’t change the past either, and I know how much you’re hurting. This hasn’t been easy on anyone. I know that. Your pain is everyone’s pain. We all have to get through this together.” Kat took my hand. “I know you feel like you have a job to do, but you also have to remember that you are not infallible. You are human just like everyone else. We all live and someday we will all die. There’s no stopping that.”
“I would have liked to have prolonged Kylie’s life a little. She was just a child...”
“We all die too young. We all miss out on opportunities. It’s what we signed up for when we are born. There are no guarantees, but luckily there are people like you out there making sure that we get every possible chance to make it for as long as we can. Sometimes those chances don’t turn out the way we want them to.”
“She didn’t even get a chance...”
“Molly, she could have died at the hands of that lunatic. But she didn’t. She was able to be warm and to feel safe. You were able to give her peace one last time. Betsy was able to hold her one last time. She wouldn’t have if you hadn’t found her. You made sure she didn’t die alone and frightened. I would take a peaceful death over the alternative any day.”
“I had just gotten to her sooner...”
“You still may have been too late.”
Tears kept rolling down my face. “I’m always too late.”
“You can’t stop the bad people from doing something bad to other people, but you can stop them from further hurting someone else.”
“Where’s Tam?”
“He went to get you some water.”
“Damn. He’s been gone forever. How long does it take to get a drink of water around here?” I half yelled.
“Maybe he got caught up with the water police.” She gave me a weird look, “Yeah, Ok. You need to sleep. Those meds are making you babble like an idiot.”
“You are so funny.”
She smiled and then yawned. “Oh, I need a nap too. Do you mind if I crash on the couch?”
“No, please stay. I don’t want to be alone in here. That crazy nurse might come back. I’ll need a witness.”
She laughed as she shook her head.
“Can I dim the lights?”
“Yes! The brightness is giving me a headache.”
She found an extra blanket in the closet and settled down on the stiff couch across the room. I watched her as she quickly fall asleep. She looked so grown up. Kat was born when I was just starting High school. She was such a beautiful baby. Because I was older by the time she had come along, I was able to appreciate her. Kat was young enough for me to show off to my friends. I would bring the baby to the park and everyone would just go crazy over her. So did I. It seemed so long ago. She became a woman over night- when I wasn’t watching. I still think of her as a little girl. She will never grow up in my eyes. She will stay just as she is forever- perfect.
Tam quietly returned with a bag. He set it on my rolling table and started to unpack bottles of water, cherry yogurt, fresh fruit and garlic bread. He knew me so well.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied, dryly.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, a little.” He sat down and started to lay out the picnic.
“I couldn’t find a nurse so I went to the cafeteria. This was all they had left. The bread may be a little dry. It’s been sitting under a heat lamp.”
“Are you making small talk?”
“Just giving you the facts, ma’am.” He smiled at me. “Eat your food.”
“What time is it?”
“Around quarter to 11.”
“The cafeteria was open?”
He gave a sly little laugh. “Well, no, not really,”
I have him an inquisitive glance.
“Do you remember that guy I had a slow-paced chase on foot with, about a year ago?”
“The naked guy?”
“Yeah! I kept following him until I corralled him into the jail center...”
“He woke up screaming the next day, convinced we took his clothes...” I finished his story.
“Yeah!” Tam was giggling at this point, which made me giggle, more at him than at the memory of the drunken naked man who spent a very cold night in my dusty, cold jail. I must admit, though, he wasn’t a bad looking naked guy; trim, fairly athletic, young. Just imagine the horror it could have been...
“So, are you trying to tell me Naked Guy is working in the cafeteria?”
Tam nods a ‘yes’ as his face turns a light shade of red from losing his breath to the giggles.
“I am eating Naked Guy’s food?”
Tam takes a breath, “ Well, he’s not naked anymore!” and lets out another round of laughs. “I went down there... it was closed... I see him... rather... he sees me...” (I shake my head at his loss of breath) “He says to me... ‘DUDE! What are you doing here?’ and I say that I’m looking for some food... for you... and he takes me back behind the divider and gives me all this stuff.” (I have to wonder how he addressed me to Naked Guy: did he use my name; did he refer to me as his boss; or did he say that dreaded word ‘girlfriend’?) “Nice of him, huh?”
“Yeah. Really nice.”
Tam smiles to himself, still picturing the oddity of an extremely drunk and disoriented Naked Guy, I am sure.
We ate for a while in silence. It’s hard for me to admit, but I didn’t have anything to say. I ate a few pieces of fruit but it tasted sour to me and I put the rest down. I couldn’t eat. My face started to hurt again from smiling and my arm began to throb. But it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that really bothered me. Then it started to escape through my eyes. Tam immediately put down his food and slid onto my bed and held me.
“She was just in my arms,” I choked out. Everything came flooding forward, spewing forth like water from a broken faucet. I was remembering how everyone was together for Christmas, making different plans for New Year’s Eve, not even a thought going through anyone’s mind that we would be together again the following week for a funeral. The phone call, the tears of everyone standing in the room, seeing her laid out in massive makeup that made her unrecognizable, all of her freckles covered up. Her chest not moving because there was no air to take in; I stood by her body waiting for her to wake up, waiting for her to sit up and tell us to knock it off; to stop making such a fuss over her, to stop embarrassing her; like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal.
Tam put his arm around me. “I didn’t realize that this would all be so hard on you. You should have taken more time off. You should have stayed with your family.” He pulled me tighter. “I should have been there with you,” he whispered to me. Welcome to my life in regret.
I shook my head. “I had my family.”
“You also have me.”
“I know that now,” I said and then as an after thought, “Thank you.”
I snuggled myself into him. He was so warm. I could hear his heart beating. He felt so wonderful after all of this death that surrounded me.
“I could have been with you; you weren’t that far away.”
“I couldn’t speak, let alone breathe, Tam. I think I’m still in shock. Every time I think about her I just can’t believe that she’s gone and that I’ll never get to talk to her again.”
“Things happen for a reason.”
“Why- why would you say that?” I lifted my head to look him the face, to see the actual words still lingering over his head to be sure that he really did just say what I thought he said. “There is no reason for her death. Horrible things happen to people who don’t deserve it. There’s no reason to take away a life, a young life who had everything in the future to look forward to.”
“Would you rather her death be meaningless?”
“It was.”
“Can you try to find something positive about it?”
I scoffed. “I’ll let you know in a few years.” Decades, maybe.
My head was spinning. Words of anger and reason swirled around in my mind- I knew what he meant, but I didn’t want to think about it. If I did, then I would have to think of more words, more thoughts, more memories- I just couldn’t right now. Not now. I laid my head back again and snuggled into his shoulder. I closed my eyes with tears still stinging them.
************************
I woke up the next morning hungry. My mouth was dry a bit as well, but at least my lips and the rest of my face weren’t so painful. Kat had left; her blanket neatly folded at the end of the couch. Tam wasn’t there either. His jacket was still hung over the chair so I knew he had to be around; just the thought of him near me felt good. I smiled just thinking about him. I smiled wider when he walked through my door carrying a bouquet of daisies.
“Good morning.”
“Hi.” My throat was dry and voice sounded raspy. I coughed to clear, but it didn’t help. “Are those for me?” I squeaked out.
“They aren’t my favorite flower, so they must be.” He set the vase on the table near the bed. “Last one in the gift shop.”
“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” He bent over me for a kiss. It was the best kiss I’ve had in a long time. There aren’t too many people who know about our relationship, but at that moment, I didn’t care who saw us. I just wanted him. A familiar doctor came into the room in the middle of our lip lock. I could feel my cheeks flush slightly. He just smiled. Tam sat down in the chair, slightly flushed as well. I was grinning like an idiot, and it felt great.
“Hi, Dan.”
“How are you felling?” he asked me.
“All right.”
“Dizziness?”
“A little.”
He shone a light in my eyes. “Eyes look clear. Swelling is down on your face. How’s the pain.”
“Tolerable.” I glanced down at my cast. The throbbing surrounding my bone was just an inconvenience compared to the other pain. This giant thing on my arm, however, was going to get very annoying very fast. I couldn’t even scratch my nose; one arm with an I.V., which was still sore from when I pulled it out last night and the other immobile, weighing in at a good five hundred pounds. I had no idea how I was going to work with this monstrosity. 6-8 weeks he said. Maybe less if I behaved myself. Like that’s going to happen.
“How would you like to go home?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
“Before I discharge you, I would like for you to talk to the psychiatrist...”
“You think I’m crazy?”
He laughed. “She wants to talk to everyone who was involved with Kylie’s rescue.” It’s funny how I could always tell when he was lying. Like the time he had asked me out to the Jefferson High School’s Homecoming Dance freshman year, then backed out at the last minute saying he had the flu when actually he went to another dance in a neighboring county with Mindy Schelfer. I knew he was lying but confirmed it when Mindy’s cousin Susan told me the whole story at a track meet the following weekend. “Tell me first, how did you really hurt your arm? I don’t mean to pry, but it just seems that what you said about yesterday doesn’t add up to your injury. Can you remember anything about the weeks before you came home?”
“A bit.”
“Did you have an accident? A fall? Anything traumatic happen that could have resulted in you hitting your arm?”
“Not that I can recall.” Besides the ripping and tearing out of my heart, that is, but that had nothing to do with my arm.
“Molly, Dr. Davis is letting me handle this because he knows that we’re friends. Listen to me- your fractures are old. They were not made yesterday or from the day before. Is there something that you are not telling me?”
“Seriously! I have no idea what I did! I bumped it a few times, once at the office, once at the diner- honestly, I just thought the combination of the bumps had done this!” I was speaking the truth, but both of the men looked at me like I was little kid who denied stealing a piece of chocolate candy that covered my lips. I couldn’t resist licking them.
“I’m sorry, Molly, but I don’t believe you.” I tried to protest, but the dry words became stuck around my teeth. My mouth was still hanging open after he left. ‘Three weeks!’ I was shocked. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. I was just as bewildered as he was. I felt pressure building up in my head, a panic-like feeling. Everything was hurtling at me so fast, I couldn’t take it all in. So much to think about, so much to feel, so I just stopped. I saw Tam talk to me, but I could not hear him. I stared at my hands; they were so ruff and chapped, not smooth like a woman’s hands should be. I am a woman, still, aren’t I? I suppose I present myself as tough, being the Sheriff and all... I’m not exactly old, but when I did start feeling old? My face felt like it sank into itself, and my bones, not just the ones in my arms, ached. I think I’m 33 years old, I can’t remember right now. What happened to me? Where did I go? When will I be back?
“Molly?” Tam’s voice penetrated through the grime of my thoughts. I looked for him wearily, but I couldn’t see him. Perhaps my painkillers are taking effect.
“Molly, this is Jamie. She would like to talk to you.” Dan was standing next to the bed. Funny, I couldn’t feel my mouth.
“Molly?” Jamie’s soft voice floated in the air.
“Hum?” I grunted.
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
My face still moved, so I gave her a ‘go ahead’ kind of gesture with my eyebrows and a little shrug with my shoulders. How was I going to be able to answer her?
“You found Kylie, is that correct?”
I nodded.
“How did you come about her?”
I coughed a little and was able to squeal out an acceptable answer. “We received a call saying that she had been located.”
Jamie gave a little grunt.
“No, Tam got the call. He took the call, my cell phone didn’t work.” I looked to Tam to ask him what was said over that call, but he was gone. He must have left the room because he wasn’t on the floor. For a moment, I thought I was on the floor. Dan came over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. Maybe I was about to fall on the floor.
“That’s enough,” Dan mumbled. “She needs rest.”
“But I’m not done...” Jamie sounded like she had a mouth full of popcorn.
“Why is everyone mumbling?” I mumbled. The more suitable question would have been, ‘Why is the room spinning?’

Chapter 6 Oh the snow, the sweet, sweet smell of the snow

I slept most of the way home. I came to as Tam pulled into my parking lot. The ground was glossy from the rain, the sky a beautiful purple grey. I loved rain. Did I mention that? But it had stopped raining. Slowly, I opened my eyes to the world once again rushing past me. I could hear the splash of water as the tires ploughed through a puddle. It was a weird rain. Usually rain brings green trees and fields, the smell of fresh earth and the memories of happy summers of the past. This rain only melted our cover, exposing the black dirtiness of traffic, the muddy mess of melted ground mixed with brown, dead grass. It was a monochrome of blah everywhere. Without snow, there was no activity outside, no life; no snowshoeing, no ice-skating, no skiing, no snowmen, no laughter from the children who made them and then started snowball fights. Even the roar of snowmobiles and snow-plows would be a welcome sound. The trees look naked and dead, a sad reminder of Persephone’s decent into the underworld. There is no life in winter without snow. I loved the rain, don’t get me wrong, however, I would rather have snow in winter: a constant fresh layer of snow to bring a clean, crisp, sparkly look to the sleeping earth. But I was not the one who controlled the weather.
“Good Morning,” I said to tam as I stretched.
“You might want to check your phone- it rang a couple of times.”
“Really? And I didn’t hear it?” I asked myself, but Tam heard it anyway.
“You were really out. I was even singing to the radio and not a stir...”
“You, singing? I can’t believe I missed it.” He blushed a little but I knew he was joking. Or maybe he wasn’t. His face was too innocent to really tell. We walked up to my apartment, and I took a quick glance at who had called: my mom, my sister, Melissa and Colleen. I started dialing Colleen as I walked through the door.
“Hi, there.”
“What’s up?”
“I have in my hands a fax from Tom. Guess what?”
“What?” I played along.
“The blood found on Will’s chest...” she paused.
“Yes?” I sounded a bit impatient.
“Tell me first, what you thought of it.”
“Oh, god, Colleen, just tell me.”
I could hear her huff over the phone. “It’s not his,” she relinquished.
“Really.”
“You’re not surprised?”
“Kind of. But not really.”
“Are you ok? Usually you jump up and down at news like this.”
“I just woke up.”
“Well... what do you want to do with this?”
“Is he running a DNA?”
“Yes, there’s a note at the bottom of the page.”
“Ok.”
“Is that it?” Colleen sounded disappointed and I felt bad that she did so.
“I’ll call you back in a few minutes. We just got home.”
We said goodbyes and I continued my slow, labored climb up the stairs. I was still so tired, all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch with the cats and sleep, but Tam already started to make dinner. With what, I don’t know. There was no food in the house that I would consider edible, but he was a genius in the kitchen. He had his head in the freezer, digging through blocks of mystery meat and leftovers.
“Hungry?” he called to me.
“Eh,” was all I could squeak out. I found the couch and Kali sitting on it, waiting for me. She immediately curled up to my chest as I slowly closed my eyes and drifted off into dreamland. “Don’t go outside; the armadillos will cut you to pieces,” said my mother to me right before I woke up. The apartment was dark except for the flicker of the television. Tam was sitting in the recliner, passed out as well. Kali still lay with me, Bala sat on my hip and Herman was on my feet. No wonder I felt warm and cozy. Kali must have been sleeping. I moved slightly to pet her ear and she jumped up, but when she saw that I was awake, she settled down again and allowed me to pet her. She purred loudly. I read somewhere that a cat purrs to relax themselves. I agreed; her purring was definitely calming me. I didn’t want time to pass. I just wanted to stay there, at that moment for the rest of my life. I couldn’t imagine a better place to be.

**************
A long pounding woke me up. I was the last to rise. Tam was already at the door followed by all three cats but they scattered as soon as he opened the door. I heard his voice greet someone he knew, couldn’t make out what he was saying though. I tried to move but my body was still asleep. I wanted to move it, but it just laughed at me. “Another ten minutes, Molly,” it said to me. Tam’s heavy footsteps creaked the floor indicating that he was coming back towards me. I pretended to all asleep. I heard him stop, and then turn around head back to the door. I couldn’t be sure if he was checking to see if I was awake or not, but he left the apartment, shutting the door quietly behind him. I could hear the silence in the room.
Kali jumped on my side, which in turn woke the rest of me. Her smiling face seemed to say hello, good morning, feed me. “I love you, too, Kal.” I scratched her sweet little face as I slowly sat up. My vision tilted a bit at the horizon line, but at least that’s all it did. I suppose I shouldn’t have taken both oxycodone at once. I steadied my feet to get up and arose without problem. Tam was talking with someone at the bottom of the stairs outside. I could barely see them through the dirty window glass. I couldn’t make out the other guy, but they were just standing there, talking, gesturing. It looked like they were making small talk but then I could see Tam shaking his head low, back and forth, nonstop. Whatever it was he denying, he wanted to make it clear to the guy that his answer was in fact “no.” I shuffled my feet closer to the window, but by the time I could get a clear view, Tam’s ‘friend’ had turned his back and was walking away. Tam stood there watching after him. He waited until the guy got into his car and started the engine. When he finally backed out of the parking lot, Tam turned to walk back up the stairs to the apartment. I panicked. I didn’t want him to know I was spying on him, so I turned to make a quick dive onto the couch but instead of diving to safety, I took a nose-dive onto the floor. I landed on my face. My hand revealed a gusher of blood pumping forth from my nose. My lip stung too, so I can only imagine how many sources this blood had. I slowly crept up onto all fours when Tam came in. He didn’t say anything that I heard, just the loud clomping noise of his boots. I felt his strong hands on my arms helping me up, awkwardly, of course, because my right arm throbbed under his touch. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t tell where my eyes where. My face pulsated with pain. Tam set me on the couch and within seconds has paper towels, ice in a baggie, and an assortment of bathroom items that he gathered in his arms in spilled on to the couch in disarray. He started to dab my face lightly with the paper towels and instructed me to hold one every now and then on various parts of my face. It seemed like forever so to pass the time I passed out.
When I woke up again, I could feel an intense cold all over my face. My fingers revealed that Tam had found a gel-eye mask Kat had given me for Christmas a few years ago. She had graciously said that it was a free gift from a purchase and so thoughtfully gave it to me for a present. I gave her an ipod that year.
“I told you it would come in handy,” said Kat. “It looks good on you, too.”
“Shut up,” I managed to mumble.
Kat just laughed.
“Where’s Tam?”
“He slid out of the door when I came in.”
“And?”
“’And’ what?”
“Where is he?”
“How the hell should I know.”
I huffed. “Is he outside or did he leave?” Silence. “Kat?”
“What?”
“Well?”
“I shrugged ‘no.’”
“You shrugged, great. Kat, look at m; I can’t see a damn thing. My EYE is swollen shut,” I shouted through clenched teeth and immobile lips.
“Yeah, the one eye. The other eye is fine.”
“It doesn’t help if you are not in the vision sight of that eye...” I hissed at her. We both sighed. My tongue checked to see if any teeth were missing. I think they were ok. My entire mouth was numb.
“Smile at me.”
I couldn’t. My lips were swollen to barely let a word escape.
“Do I look really bad?”
“Oh god, yes. You look horrible. You would frighten small children.”
I tried to touch my face but she stopped me. “Leave it alone. Tam put stuff on it to help with the swelling.” She came over to my good eye and demonstrated on her own face where my wounds were. “Here, above the eyebrow is split. Your right cheek has a big purple bump. Your lip is all cut up and your nose is purple.”
I nodded.
“It’s a good thing you have hardwood floors. Would those crime-scene clean-up guys freak out if they had to come over here to clean up your blood.”
I wanted to smile. I knew what she was trying to do. She was always good at trying to cheer me up.
“Bummer you won’t be able to sniff any crime scenes for a while...”
The thought of the morgue quickly filled my mind and I snorted out of my nose, accidentally blowing out a blood soaked tissue wad shoved up there to stop the bleeding. I could feel my face burn with embarrassment under all of the ice strapped to my face, but Kat just laughed. She slipped her arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. “Don’t worry, kid. You’ll be back in action in no time.”
We both turned our heads toward the door as loud bumps and crashes came from outside.
“Molly!” Tam yelled again. “There’s a lead. Quick, we need to run.” Tam burst through the door and grabbed my coat from the chair. He wrapped it around my shoulders and he pulled me to a stand.
“What’s going on?”
“Colleen just phoned. We have a lead to where Kylie might be.”
“Where is she?”
“At the monument.”
“Teller’s Cross?”
“Yes.”
“Who would know that?”
“Molly, we’re the closest. We need to go get her.”
“What if she’s not there?”
Tam paused a second to look at me as if I had suddenly transformed into an elephant. “Do you really want to take that chance?” He asked.
“No.” Where the hell did that question come from? Maybe I had turned into an elephant. I certainly felt like one.
“Come on!” He grabbed my keys to the Jeep.
I followed him out of the apartment, gritting my teeth with every painful bouncy step I took toward the Jeep.
“Good luck!” Kat yelled at us as we ran down the stairs.
Run, I said to myself. I had to stop wallowing in this funk I have been and jump-start my brain. I had to focus; I had to concentrate. I had to start to live again. I had to run.
“Tam, tell me what she said.”
“Kelly was canvassing out on Miller’s Road and he came across a set of small footprints. There was also some blood found on the trail. He followed it for about a mile when he called for backup.”
“Did he find the end to the trail?”
“At this point I don’t know.”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and found that it wasn’t working. “Well, now I know why they didn’t call me,” I mumbled to myself. I tossed it into the back seat. Tam gave me a pained look.
“Hey! I just cleaned in here.”
I gave him a sideways glance. “Give me your phone. Please.” (I had such a lisp!) He reached into his breast pocket and handed me his phone. I called Colleen. There was no answer. I called Kelly, and again, there was no answer. “Where the hell is everyone?” We would be there soon, but not being able to contact anyone made me very nervous. Tam was driving as fast as he could with the police sirens. There was no one on the road to slow us down.
We pulled up onto the long dirt drive to Teller’s Cross. I sat up straight. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
Before Tam could come to a complete stop, I opened the door and ran to her. She was sitting under the large Celtic cross replica at the top of the small hill. She had her knees to her chest and she shivered. There was about a foot and a half of snow with a nice sold ice crust from the rain. Finally, I reached her, flung my coat around her and held her. She put her tiny arms around me and I lifted her off of the snow with my left hand. Her skin was so cold. She whispered in my ear, “Miss Molly.” I smiled. I forgot that I looked hideous, but she still knew me.
“You’re going to be ok, pumpkin. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let you go.” I started to step back into the first set of footprints to make my way back to Tam. His out-stretched arms met us both. She weighed nothing, like a feather pillow. Tam was standing near, ready to help. “I’ve got her,” I told him. He nodded and guided me down, breaking the rest of the snow to make it easier for me to walk.
It wasn’t until the sound of the sirens echoed off of the valley did I finally pull Kylie away from me a little. I just wanted to see her eyes. I told her softly that we were going to go to the hospital now, that her mom will be there and that everything was going to be all right. She had small tears in her big eyes, but she nodded her head and buried her face again into me. She felt a little warmer now. The ambulance pulled up behind the car, followed by the media. The circus was about to begin.
As I handed Kylie over to the paramedic, microphones were being pushed into my face. Voices swirled around my head, and not really understanding any of the words being shouted at me, I made a general statement that went something like this: Kylie White has been found. She is being taken to the hospital where she can be evaluated and treated. There is no word yet as to who took her or how she ended up out here. And that was all, because that was all I knew. I wasn’t holding anything back or exaggerating the truth. I heard voices comment on my face. Then I heard sentences strung that claimed I had tackled the kidnapper and wrestled Kylie away from them. I left them wondering and climbed into the Jeep with Tam.
The ambulance was getting ready to go. We were to follow them to the hospital. I was glad for this, not just to make sure Kylie got there all right, but for other, more personal reasons that weren’t as easily hidden as my arm had been. As I slid into the front seat, I caught movement in the corner of my good eye. I tried to steal a moment to look- purely an instinctive reaction. If I had a half of a second to really think about it, I would have wanted to know who or what it may have been, but to not let on that they knew that I was aware of their presence. Of course, I first had to convince myself that I might have, indeed, seen something to really worry about. It was just a deer, I thought. Trees have deer, and there are a lot of deer around here because there are a lot of trees, which gives the deer a lot of places to hide. A place to hide- he was hiding in the trees.
The motor brigade was on the move and I opted to stay in the Jeep instead of checking out my hunch. A bad move on my part, but my concern for Kylie and for my arm and face outweighed anything else at that moment. Tam also noticed me favoring my arm. He asked several times if I was “Ok” and I kept replying with a weak “Yes.” I took a quick mental inventory: two dead bodies, a recovered missing girl, a maniac on the loose, and a busted face and arm. My heart beat a little less difficult now that Kylie had been found. Of course, I had nothing to do with the fact that she wasn’t with her captor. I just picked her up out of the snow. Not to down play the extreme and horrific series of events, but that seemed a bit too easy.
“Tam?”
“How did you know she would be there?”
“By the direction Kelly described the footprints.”
“Yeah?”
“I know that area. She was on Parker’s trail which leads right to the Cross.”
“Why didn’t Kelly go to the other end instead of follow her on the trail?”
“He didn’t know where it came out. He didn’t grow up in those woods. He grew up on the farm and on the lake. I grew up with those trees, with that hill, with that whole landscape. It was my back yard, so to speak.” I nodded. He was always out there. More than I was, and my grandparent’s cottage wasn’t too far from there. Like Kelly, I grew up mainly on the Lake. I loved the woods, but the coyotes’ howling scared us too much to spend any time in there.
“How do you suppose she got away?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.
“No clue. We will just have to ask her about it when she is feeling better.”
“Hum.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Weird circumstances.”
“There have certainly been many of those lately.”
“At the diner yesterday, there was a news story on the radio. Did you hear it?”
“No, I wasn’t listening to it. What was it about?”
“Good news.”
“Really?”
“Shocking, isn’t it? The story was actually about something someone did to save the lives of a hundred people. And it turned out to have worked. No one was killed. Can you imagine? A happy ending...”
“Doesn’t happen too often, does it?”
“Not lately.”
I had a sudden and overwhelming urge to call my mom.
“Tam?”
“Yeah, Boss?”
“Do you think that maybe, whoever had Kylie might have let her go?”
“What makes you say that?”
“As we were leaving, I thought I saw something in the forest.”
“What kind of something?”
“Movement.”
“Animal?”
“Maybe, but maybe not. I’m leaning towards the maybe not.”
“When were you planning on telling me this?”
“In the car ride to the hospital.” I could feel his glare burn into the side of the face. I tried to not react. “Watch the road,” I said. He gave a heavy sigh. My ex-husband used to do that when I had done something wrong; wrong according to him, that is.
“Is there anything else you would like to tell me?”
I was silent. There were many things I would have liked to tell him, but when it came to him, words were hard to find for some reason.
“You have to start letting me in.”
When it came to work, I didn’t have to say anything- it seemed as though he could read my mind. I suppose I expected him to read my mind in every other instance as well. I also suppose, that maybe he can’t. He is good at his job; he knows what needs to be done at all of the right times. As for our relationship, I will be the first to admit that I am an enigma.
“Molly?”
“I hurt my arm,” I blurted out. I felt like crying, like this was some deep dark secret that I didn’t want anyone to know about. I looked at him with my good eye. He looked at me once then reached over for my good hand.
“We’ll be there in a few minutes,” he said to me. He didn’t let go of my hand until we pulled up by the emergency doors. “I’ll be right back. Stay here.” Tam left me to help the others escort Kylie into the emergency room. In the rearview mirror I saw Kelly pull up with Betsy White. He parked illegally and they both ran inside after the little girl. Following them were several news reporters in their huge top-heavy vans. I got out of the Jeep and gathered the remaining police and security force with strict orders not to let any of those vultures in. I made my way into the chaos. I tried to flag down someone to help me with my arm, but everyone seemed to be preoccupied. My lips were throbbing from talking too much. The pain in my arm had suddenly become very intense and it was clear to me that I really needed help. My breath came heavily.
“I heard you were on your way over here. I thought maybe you had come to your senses.” Melissa’s sweet voice came from behind me.
“What senses?” I asked her.
She just smiled, smirked, and giggled. “You’re welcome. Come one, you’re going into shock.”
“Shock? Nothing can shock me anymore. I’ve seen it all.” I was getting dizzy.
Melissa led me to one of the examining rooms. She sat me down just at the right time. Even though she worked as a morgue technician, she was still a licensed doctor. She took the x-rays that she made of my arm earlier that day and put them to the light. “I don’t know how you did it, but you managed to break your arm in three different places, with smaller fractures around the impact site.” She pointed out the small hairline fractures that seemed to weave themselves throughout my bones. “Two up here, and one down here. There are a few within this space, and a couple more down here. You’re going to need a full cast to stabilize the bones. What did you do? Jump out of an airplane without a parachute?” She turned to me and came up to me face to face, placing another ice bag on my throbbing arm. “Have you told Tam?” she whispered to me. Of all the people I encountered throughout the day, Melissa, whom I see on average two times a month, was the only one who knew about our relationship. We weren’t the best of friends, but friends nonetheless.
“Yes, I told Tam,” I said with as much ‘snotty-ness’ as I could muster.
She over-exaggerated her nod. “I’ll be right back.” She left the room chuckling.
I was sure she was on her way to get him. For some reason, I didn’t think she believed me.
I was alone in the semi-dark room with only the glow of the x-ray board for light. She had left the x-ray up so I decided to take a look at what went on inside of me. “Several fractures,” she had said. “Several” was an understatement. My bones looked like a road map of downtown Milwaukee at the Marquette Interchange. I let my fingers flow over the fissures, followed them along the lines that went everywhere, yet nowhere. The pattern looked so familiar. I’ve stared at so many road maps in my life, they seem the same after a while, especially when you’ve driven all of those roads. I couldn’t understand why I was thinking so hard about this. These were cracks on my bones, not a road map. There was no ethereal entity trying to give me clues by causing my bones to break. I was done with this shit. I needed to sleep. Maybe the vision, the hallucinations would go away with some simple sleep. None of this was real. None of this was real. I sighed and sat back down on the examining table. In a way, I was a bit disappointed. I suppose I could fool myself into thinking otherwise, but I had to stop lying to myself. The truth was in front of me. It was time I got back to reality.
Tam came into the room. He walked straight over to me and kissed me.
“You ok?”
“You say that so often.” I sighed, “I will be.” I looked up at him, his bright brown eyes shone in the dim light. His smile was like soft daisy petals. I was beginning to think I loved him. He brushed the hair from the side of my face. I wanted to melt into his hand. He felt so real. Melissa walked back into the room with Dr. Davis, breaking the spell. I had forgotten about the pain in my arm for just a moment.
“You did quite a number on yourself, Sheriff.” He wasn’t old, maybe in his early forties, but the way he talked reminded me of my grandfather. “Let’s see if we can’t get you patched up and back to work.”
“Does it have to be a full arm cast?”
“Do you want your arm to heal?”
“I’m in the middle of a murder investigation.”
“You are going to need stabilization.”
“If I need to draw my gun, I need to be able to shoot it.”
He looked at me, debating whether or not to play his hand. “I do have the authority to take you out the field completely if you prefer.”
My jaw dropped (painfully I may add), “You wouldn’t.”
“I can. So if you don’t mind, I will do what I can for you, but you need to meet me half way.”
My swollen lip quivered. I decided to keep my mouth shut and go along with the nice doctor. He looked at the x-rays with Melissa. Tam still stood by me, but he was sporting a smirk. I gave him a frown, but I got over it.
“How’s Kylie doing?” I finally asked him.
“She’s ok. She’s very dehydrated and may have some frostbite on her toes. Betsy, however, was given a sedative. She wouldn’t calm down, even after the doctors told her that Kylie was going to be ok.”
“I don’t blame her. Kylie is all that she has.” Tam grunted in agreement. Betsy’s parents died while she was still in high school, her brother was killed some years later by unidentified means and her sister died of cancer just a few years ago. Her husband was killed while in the military just several months after Kylie was born. She has had nothing but heartache over the years, losing one loved one after another. Kylie was her whole life.
Tam put his arm around the shoulder of my good arm. I still had my older sister and brother somewhere in the world. My parents moved away from here a year after I had graduated from high school. I immediately left for bigger and better cities, whereas my parents bought a house near my brother Brian and his wife to help out with their kids. Tina had had triplets. My sister Abby also had kids, but seemed to be a little more capable of raising them with her husband Lou. All of these kids were born so long ago. Abby herself just became a grandma to the sweetest angel in the sky and of course, our mom is there constantly, helping Lucy with the new baby. My mom says it helps to have him around, now that her youngest is gone. I will never learn how painful it is to have one of my children die before me. I feel that I am doing them a favor and keeping them from being born in the first place. They’ll thank me in the end.
“Ok, Molly. Are you ready for some plaster?” asked Dr. Davis.
“There is no way of getting out of this, huh?”
“Nope. In fact, you let this go for far too long already.”
“It just happened yesterday,” I said flatly. I knew I would get yelled at for that, but honestly, I didn’t think anything was really that wrong. I truly thought that it was just a severe bruise. I had no idea I had broken anything.
“Yesterday?”
“Yeah,” I said sheepishly, “and a little knock around from a couple of days ago.”
“What did you do?”
“Well...there was the fall on the file cabinet, and I fell the other day in my office, and then yesterday this girl banged the bathroom door into my arm. That’s it.”
“Molly, you have multiple fractures. Are you sure that’s all you did?”
“Yes, positive. Why?”
“As I said, you have several fractures. It just seems a little odd that a few bumps should result in this kind of injury.”
“See! That’s what I thought! So don’t go yelling at me...” the expression on everyone’s face went suddenly grim.
Dr. Davis walked over to the x-ray again and pointed to several cracks on the humerus bone. “Do see these simple cracks here? When a fracture occurs, these fibrous tissues form and grow around it, acting like an internal suture so that the fracture can heal. These fractures here have several days of fibrous growth. These here are only starting to grow. This information leads me to believe that over the course of the last few weeks, you fractured your arm several times in several different places. Being already damaged, and not getting it checked, may have allowed for further damage to occur.” I just realized that my mouth was open all the while he was talking. ‘Over the course of the last few weeks?’ rang loosely in my mind. Just three days ago I was with my family for the holidays. Oh yeah, and the funeral.
“I swear I did nothing!”
“I knew I should have gone with you,” scowled Tam.
“I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you,” I sneered back at him.
“The proof is here, Molly. Something happened. But for now I suggest that we get your arm immobilized and stable so that it can heal and you can get back to your crime fighting.”
I am surrounded by lunatics. “Just get it over with, please.”
“Ok. Let me give this to you now for the pain. It should take affect in a few minutes. And then, we’ll stitch up your face.”
“Stitches?”
“Oh yeah. That one above your eye is very deep. And this one here (he pointed to my pip with his pen) will heal crooked if we don’t get it straight.”
I could have sworn I heard a little giggle from him. Payback was a bitch, and this bitch was getting stitches on her face. He gave me the shot of the miracle pain reliever, collected the x-rays and other paperwork, and shot me again with a sideways glance that left me with goose bumps. Meanwhile, no one said a word.
“All right, let’s go.”
Tam started to follow me. “Can you check on Kylie? See if she is ready to talk about the guy who took her?” His face showed no emotion. I think he’s mad at me.
“There’s a sketch artist from Tom’s office with her now.”
“Oh. Ok.” I had nothing more to say. I shut off my ‘give a damn’ mode for a minute and decided to concentrate on me until I was out of the presence of Dr. ‘Dull’ Davis. Melissa seemed to be enjoying my pain, however. She had a constant smirk on her face since the first time she saw me here. “We are totally even,” I hissed at her. “Go home!” That just fueled her smile. I’m glad someone was enjoying my misery.
Dr. Davis gave me a compromise- I had to wear a thin fiberglass cast from my shoulder to my fingers. He said I could still work, but I was not allowed to use my firearm, being that I am right handed and under heavy sedation.
“How does that feel?”
“Oh, fine.” I tried, but I was no longer capable of sarcasm.
“I meant the cast.”
“That’s what I thought I meant.” As Dr. Davis cleaned up his area, I took inventory of my senses: nothing. And it felt so good. No anxiety, no fear, no pain, no sorrow. No cares or worries. I wondered how long I could keep this up, legally.
I heard mumbles around me. The faces in the room all turned their attention to the hallway, so I did too. Tam ran out of the door, followed by Dr. Davis. Melissa took a hold of my arm. “Molly,” she whispered to me. “I’m going to take you to one of the rooms so you can lie down, ok?”
“Yeah, whatever.” S’all cool, I thought, until we walked out into the hallway. Melissa tried to divert my attention, but I could see what was going on. There was a commotion down in Kylie’s room. At first I thought maybe there was a security breach and one of the television reporters snuck in, but I didn’t see any police rushing, just doctors and nurses. And in Tam’s arms struggled a distraught Betsy. My heart sank when Betsy screamed.
“Mel?” I managed to squeek out.
“Nothing you can do anything about it, Molly. Come on, let’s get you into a bed...” I don’t remember how I got out of Melissa’s grasp but I slowly became aware that I was moving towards Kylie’s room. It felt like I was moving in slow motion, but I arrived there fairly quickly because Melissa had to run to keep up with me. I moved past Tam who didn’t see me at first, but I could see the look on his face as he fought to keep a hold of Betsy. I stepped though the door to Kylie’s ER room just in time to hear the flat-line. Betsy matched the pitch. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress came flooding through my veins. The vortex was back, swirling and spinning around me: twirling, whirling, rushing around me. It crated a tornado around me, sucking me in and twisting me in place, spinning my head 360 degrees around and around. The room stood still, I knew it; my feet were still connected to the floor. It was me that was caught inside; around, around, and around I spun. It was then that I stopped, bent over and vomited. Fortunately for me, I missed puddle of sick when I landed on the floor and passed out...

Chapter 5 The Truth is in the Bone

Tom graciously paid for lunch and we headed back to the morgue. My right arm was killing me. I already had a nasty bruise from the night before, but I could feel there was more damage done by the bathroom door when that girl burst in on me. I ate most of my lunch with my left hand, luckily the boys, as I will forever call them, hadn’t noticed. I was thinking that I, perhaps, have something broken. I was trying so hard to be the hero, but it hurt. I can’t be the hero when I hurt, just the loser. I needed a few moments to myself so I asked Tom if I could use his office. He said yes and took Tam back down to the morgue to see Sara Olny, I told them I would be down in a while. I wasn’t too anxious to see her. I had a feeling that she wasn’t going to give up any secrets to the whereabouts of Kylie White.
I could hear them talk as they walked down the hallway. Tom told Tam that there wasn’t anything unusual about her. His words ricocheted off of the flat walls. They hit me and stung my skin like little static sparks. After the boys went out of sight, I went in search of Melissa, the Radiologist.

“It really hurts, huh?” She lifted my arm and I winced from the pain.
“YES!” I said emphatically.
“Sorry.” She fitted my arm on the X-ray table and placed the lead apron over the rest of me. “This won’t hurt a bit.”
I smiled in sarcasm and she did the same back to me.
“Does Tam know you’re here?”
“He’s down the hall.”
“How does he feel about me checking you out instead of a proper doctor, like the one you should be seeing?”
I was silent.
“You did tell him about this?”
“No. Why should I?”
She exhaled sharply with a bite, “Uh, ‘cause he’s your boy, right?”
“My ‘boy’... That’s funny.”
“I don’t see why you have to keep secrets from him.”
“It’s not a secret, just not public knowledge...yet. I’ll tell him.”
“Yeah, right, sure,” she said over her shoulder as she walked behind the x-ray shield. “Ok, hold still.”
She took two photos and then set me free. “Thanks, Mel. I owe you.”
“Forget about it. I’ll have these ready as soon as possible. In the meantime, keep this ice pack on it. It will help with the swelling.”
“Thanks so much, Mel. I really appreciate it.” I put the small pack under my shirt and let it rest directly on my skin. Oh, it burned! I tucked one corner of it under my bra strap, but I could still feel it shift as I moved. It didn’t really cover the spot that throbbed, but it would have to do for now.
“Just out of curiosity, Molly. If there is a break, how are you going to sport a cast without Tam knowing?”
“I suppose I’ll have to tell him if it comes to that.” I rolled my eyes.
“Please do. And keep that ice pack on it.”
“I’ll try...” I wanted to say, “Cast? What cast? I ain’t got time for no cast!”
I walked around slowly in the hallway, looking at the doors and the dirty windows that led into very cold rooms. I could hear the boys’ voices from the room behind me. They had gone back to the lab, most likely to see if the test results were ready. My feet stuck to the floor. I didn’t feel like taking another step so I made no effort to try to free them.
“I hate this place,” I muttered under my breath.
“You’ll be ok,” I heard whispered into my ear. I looked up to see Kat standing beside me.
“I don’t know why you insist on coming here. Can’t you find a better place to hang out?”
“I could say the same thing about you. Besides, I like spending time with you.”
“Yeah, real quality time.”
She laughs, “Just keep thinking happy thoughts.”
“Oh, Kat, you are my happy thought,” I said half sarcastically.
“That’s sweet. Lame, but sweet.”
“I’m trying to think happy thoughts, but I’ll be lucky if I’m just be able to think in here.”
“Case got you worried?”
“I would be worried about it if I could keep my mind on it.”
“Am I bothering you? I would think you’d be sick of me by now.”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “No, you are not bothering me. I’d take you forever if I could.”
“Again- sweet, but incredibly lame.”
I stuck my tongue out at her and she in turn wrinkled her nose at me.
“Did you see that girl yet?”
“What girl?”
“Sara Something-or-other...”
“Olny. Sara Olny.”
“Yeah, her. They brought her in the same time as Will.”
“What about her?”
“I take it you didn’t see her.”
“Kat, what are you getting at?”
“I think you should see her.”
“I was kind of on my way.”
“You weren’t moving.” I threw her a glance. She returned it with a shrug. “Well...You weren’t.”
“Tom said that there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary with her.”
“He doesn’t always see the same things you do. I really think that you should take a look at her.”
“All right, if you insist.”
She led me down the hallway where Sara was still laid out. The room was as cold as Will’s and I shivered a little as we walked in. Or maybe it was the ice pack frozen to my shoulder.
I walked over to Sara. She was so pretty: long dark hair and clear complexion. She had nice features that showed off her youthfulness. Lucky her. She’ll be young forever now. A folder lay on top of her chest. I opened it and took a quick scan of John the Coroner’s handwriting. Next to her on the silver tray that held various medical equipment sat a plastic bag with a thin gold necklace gathered at the bottom. I shook it around in the bag and noticed that the clasp was still closed and that the necklace had broken somewhere in the middle of the chain, maybe a bit off to the side. I took a look again at her face. My eyes fell upon her neck. I saw Kat smile at me.
“You see it, don’t you?”
“Humm...” I wasn’t quite sure what she wanted me to see. What I did see was what I had read in the autopsy report: Strangulation, bruises around the neck, broken neck, death was immediate, no usable prints. I agreed. The necklace intrigued me, though. I leaned in to look closer at her. The necklace left a little burn mark, barely visible, when the hands met her throat, pressing the chain into her skin. But there was something shinny in the folds of the impression. I looked closer. Kat clapped her hands, which caused me to jump a little. “Do you mind?”
“Sorry.”
I knew she was proud of herself, finding something before I did. I thought I’d let her gloat for a while. In the mean time, I went on with my work. I searched the drawers in the room for an evidence bag and a pair of purple latex gloves. The examining tray had everything else I needed.
“I told you there was something there.”
I used the magnifying glass on the end of the extender arm to take a closer look and followed the sparkle at her neck. Slowly and very carefully, I used the long tweezers and picked out a small gold jump ring.
“Well, technically you didn’t say anything about something being there...”
“I told you that you needed to look at her.”
“That you did.” A jump ring meant one thing; there was a charm that wasn’t there anymore. Where did it go? Did the maniac have it? Did it fall onto the road or into the car? I had a feeling that I would become obsessed with this charm. I wanted it. I wanted it in my hands so that it could tell me everything I wanted to know.
“Do you think it’s real gold?”
“Possibly.” I turned the tiny ring around in front of my face. I moved it as close as I could without going cross-eyed.
“What did you just do?”
“What?”
“You just sniffed it, didn’t you?” Kat sounded slightly offended.
“I didn’t sniff it, I was looking at it.”
She shot me a disbelieving glare and moved the magnifying glass closer to me. “Here, use this.”
“Why would you think I sniffed it?”
“It’s something you do.”
“I sniff things?”
“Yes. You sniff the air, you sniff the ground. You have even sniffed evidence! Face it, when you investigate, you sniff!”
I was speechless. I never noticed what I did when I investigate. I didn’t really care either. How am I supposed to know? People do things without realizing it; they clear their throats repetitively, slurp soup, tap pencils... “Does my ‘sniffing’ bother you?”
She had to think about that for a moment. “No,” she shrugged. “I just don’t want you to be sniffing the wrong things.” She burst out laughing at what she said.
“I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that was a weird thing to say!”
“Sorry.” She wiped her eyes. I shook my head.
“You’re weird.” I pulled the magnifier closer to my eye and looked at the ring with better clarity. Tam opened the door behind me.
“What’s so funny?”
“Huh?”
“I heard you laughing down the hallway. Did you find something?”
I switched the tweezers to my left hand and very carefully, I lowered my right arm and shook it slightly to let the ice pack slide through my sleeve and into my hand.
“Yes, I found something, but that’s not what was funny.”
“Well, what then?”
“It’s nothing, just something... Colleen said to me yesterday. Or a few days ago. I don’t remember. It was just funny and it just popped into my head.”
He grunted in surrender. “It just popped into your head. In a morgue, it just popped into your head. Ok. It’s just good to hear you laugh.” He kissed my on forehead. “What did you find?”
I moved the glass over so that he could see.
“Is this significant?”
“Could be. John found a necklace but didn’t see this.”
“You’re just trying to one-up him.”
“I am not!”
He giggled.
“This is a legitimate find!” I handed the tweezers to him so he could take an even closer look. While he did, I backed up against the counter, opened a drawer and tucked the ice pack inside.
He nodded his head. “Nice,” he said flatly and gave me a suspicious glance.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“I’ll believe you if you tell me what you were laughing at.”
“Oh, whatever.” I took the tweezers from him put the ring in an evidence bag. Pulling my gloves off, I snapped them in Tam’s direction. I picked up the necklace bag and the folder and headed for the door but something caught my eye. Tam ran into me when I stopped.
“Sorry. What’s wrong?”
“I just wanted to see something...” I walked over to Sara’s left side. There was something on the inside of her wrist. I opened the folder to see if John had taken pictures. There weren’t any in there. They might not have been processed yet. I couldn’t touch her without a glove so I grabbed the large forceps that lay on the tray on the other side of her. I saw Tam lurch forward, possible thinking that I was going to fall on her. I gave a slight glare in retaliation of his faithlessness. Using the forceps I twisted her wrist to have a better look. It was a tattoo of Wile E. Coyote. It was done well, and done recently. The color was vivid, the black outlining looked almost shinny. This couldn’t have been more than a few months old.
“Tam, can you ask Tom or John if pictures have been taken of Sara?”
“Sure, Boss.” He left before he could finish his answer. My mind spun. I had a weird feeling about this tattoo. I could feel that it was important. I held her wrist a little closer to my face so I could take in the detail, but had to stop in fear of dropping her hand; I was giggling. I was thinking of what Kat had said. I was holding her wrist close to my face; I could have easily sniffed it. My shoulders started to shake. I was trying to keep my laughter to myself but I almost started to spit from holding my lips tight shut. I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was coming. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t resist. I lifted her wrist up once again and sniffed it. I was shocked, really. I could smell something. I could smell a smoky scent, like a cigarette or a cigar. I took another sniff. It was a deep scent. I lowered her wrist and carefully set it back on the table. I took another glance around me and another sniff of the air and could smell a definite hint of smoke. I bent closer to her body and sniffed again. Oh god, if Kat could see me. The smell was coming from her skin. I could also smell formaldehyde, a soapy cleanser, and the sharp detergent used on the sheet that covered her, but there was also a very strong smoky smell. I stood straight up as the door clicked open. Tom waved some papers in his hand.
“Photos. As you requested.”
I opened the folder and let him place them in the fold.
“Don’t you want to look at them?”
“In a second. Tom,” I asked sheepishly, “what do you smell?”
“Smell? In here?”
“Yeah. Take a whiff. Tell me what you smell.”
He looked at me as though I had finally lost my mind. I nodded to him that I understood his thought. He did what I had asked. He took a sniff of the air. He listed the things that I had smelled, but not the smoke.
“Lean closer to her.”
He bent slightly and sniffed again. He shrugged his shoulders.
“Closer.”
“Closer?” he asked, still bent over.
“Yes, please.”
He looked down at Sara Olny and back up at me. “You want me to smell the body?”
“Yeah.”
“The dead body?”
“Why is that so weird?”
He moved his face closer to her, slowly, hesitantly. He came close to her shoulder and sniffed. He took another sniff. And another. His eyes flew open wide and turned to look at me. “Smoke,” he said.
I grinned. “Thank you.”
“Yeah, it’s there. It smells like... a cigar... “
“Not cigarette smoke?”
“No, cigarettes smell spicy, this is heavy... sweet. Smell me,” he lifted his elbow to me and I sniffed. His jacket smelled like fresh cigarette smoke and it did smell spicy in an odd, non-culinary way. The scent brought back quick memories. “This smell is heavy, like a pure tobacco smell, not mixed with other things, like impurities.” He took another sniff. “That’s what tobacco should smell like.”
“Where’s Tam?” I asked.
“He’s by Will. He wanted a moment alone.”
I nodded. I flipped the folder in the air, waving to Tom to follow me to the table that sat against the wall. I opened it and leafed through the photos. The picture of her neck reminded me of the jump ring.
“Oh, and I found this.” I held up the bag and he took it.
“Is there something in here?”
“A very tiny ring.”
“What kind of ring?”
“A jump ring- it’s used to hold a pendant or a charm to a necklace or bracelet... in her case, a necklace.”
“Only a woman would know that.”
I wrinkled my eyebrows at him and he shrugged a claim of innocence.
“I want to find what was once attached to this.” I took the bag back and laid it on the table with the necklace. I also took the photo of the tattoo and held it up.
“Why would a young girl have a tattoo of such an ugly creature?”
“Who knows,” I shrugged, “But I’m taking all of this along, if that’s ok.”
Tom nodded. “The blood tests aren’t done yet. I’ll fax them tot the office as soon as I get them.”
“Great, thanks.” I gathered everything and followed him out of the room. We walked down to his office. Tam must have heard us in the hallway and came to the office a moment later. He still had Will’s file and handed it to me. Tom gave me an envelope to put both files in, and I clutched it to my chest. Something that has been dormant for so long in me started to wake up: like a thaw- an odd feeling for the middle of winter. But at this point, I’ll take any feeling I can get.
We said our goodbyes to Tom and promised that we would call each other the moment we found something new. Tam and I got into his Jeep and started for the trip home. It was still January, but the sky looked different. I inhaled deeply.
“Smells like rain,” I said, breaking the silence.
“There’s barely a cloud in the sky.”
“Maggie said it was supposed to snow this afternoon,” I said in rebuttal.
“Snow, not rain.”
“Have you never heard of thunder snow?”
“You just said that it smelled like rain.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So... what is it? Rain or Snow?”
I stuck my head out of the window and sniffed. I smiled again at the thought of sniffing. “Rain.”
Almost instantly we could hear the roll of distant thunder. The electric sign on the bank claimed that it was 43 degrees, warm enough for rain. The radio weather guy announced the approach of the storm. He sounded confused. Just that morning he had announced an approaching storm that would produce snow, not rain. The wind had unexpectedly changed and caught everyone off guard. The rain didn’t bother me. I loved rain just as much as I loved snow. I sat back in my seat and listened to the thunder that chased us home.