I woke up around 2 a.m. realizing that Kat never came back with those donuts. I wondered what she might be doing. Probably something fun that young people do, I thought to myself. The thought of the donuts make my stomach rumble. I quietly got up and went to the kitchen. Very carefully, I fixed myself some Rice Crispies with chocolate milk. I started to think about what the mayor had said when she called earlier. Basically, she said that I should take some time off; let myself heal. It wasn’t so much what she said, but how she said it. She spoke with such authority yet with a shaming undertone, like my grandma telling me that I shouldn’t be wearing so much makeup to school. Luckily, I am just as defiant today as I was back then. I’m just going to have to put my makeup on at school.
I nearly blew the microphone out of my phone with my discontented sigh. I agreed to take a few days off, see how that goes, as a mental break, but there was no way that I was taking myself off of the case. I was still keeping all five fingers on my left hand in the pot. I could let others do the paper work, but I could still do some of the dirty work. I was still the boss after all. Oh, hell. Who am I kidding? At the moment, I was as stable as Barney Feife.
I lifted the Rice Crispies to my ear to see if they offer me advice. Nothing I could use. Damn Crispies! The T.V. didn’t have anything worthwhile to offer me either. Billy Mays screamed at me for a while about my whiles and then later again about something else. I swear that guy is going to have a heart attack someday. I dozed on and off on the couch. Kali slept nearby, but she kept her distance. Maybe she could tell that I was restless and therefore left me to deal with my jolts and bolts of awake and sleep. But she still lifted her head every time I shifted my position for a more comfortable spot. She would look at me, blink, and rest her head again.
The DVD/VHS player read 4:26 a.m. I had only been asleep for a few minutes before the dream woke me up. A mixed-up array of places and people, doing who-knows-whatever, in wherever-places. One part of the dream, though, is clear as a bell. I think I was at a party, something to do with the family. I turned around and there was Kat as a child about ten years old. She was just standing there with the little smile she had, a kind of smirk actually, as though she really didn’t want to smile, but made an effort anyway. I immediately grabbed her and pulled into a hug. I started kissing her, and realizing who she was- my little baby sister standing in front of me- I realized that she was dead so I held her tighter, kissed her more, crying, not wanting to let her go. The really funny part of the dream was that she let me make a fuss over her. The real Kat would have put up a fuss, struggled a little, but my dream girl just stood there, letting her big sis fawn over her. And then she was gone- it was all gone- the room, the people, Kat, everything.
I sat up on the couch with a horrible feeling in my stomach. It could have been the cereal, but it felt more like the dream. I’ve had dreams before where one of my siblings or parents were dead but this dread felt so real, as though it were real. As though Kat were in fact dead. If I were to call my mom right now, and ask her…what would she say? I felt the answer in the pit of my heart, so when I reached for the phone, I pulled my hand back, because it was an answer I just didn’t want to hear right now.
I rose off of the couch without Kali looking at me. I walked heavily and wearily back into the bedroom and slipped as easily as I could back into bed. Tam snorted and gurgled, but for the most part, he stayed quiet and still asleep. I lay on my back, and stared at the ceiling and sometimes at the window and the small specks of light from the streetlamp that invaded the corners of the lowered blinds. I could still feel the dream; I could feel the emotions of sadness as I hugged her, the feeling of panic that she might disappear from my arms, the absolute terror at the thought that she was dead.
The alarm clock rang obnoxiously at 5:35 but I was still awake. Tam stirred, hit the snooze and rolled over. His left arm flopped over me rather awkwardly but I didn’t move it. Ten minutes later, the alarm rang again. This time tam turned it off and shook himself awake. He saw that I was awake too, and realized that I wouldn’t be getting up with him that morning. He kissed me on the forehead and on the lips. “I’ll call you at lunch,” he whispered to me, grabbed his uniform and headed out of the bedroom. A few minutes later I could smell the coffee brewing and a few minutes after that, I heard the door lock.
I sat up and contemplated actually getting up. I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like I had anything waiting for me outside of the bedroom door except for hungry cats. I didn’t have a job, Tam was off chasing bad guys and I couldn’t do much with my arm still bandaged. The world continued to turn without me.
There was a knock on the bedroom door. At first I thought it was Tam, but then Kat opened the door and stuck her head in.
“GET UP!” she yelled in.
“I am up.”
“Well, then…GET…UP!”
After the dream I had of her last night, I shouldn’t be annoyed with her visit but rather happy that she was there, in the flesh, alive and well. But I was.
“I had a dream about you last night.”
“Awe, that’s sweet.”
“Don’t get too excited. You were dead.”
She didn’t squeal in horror like I thought she would have. Instead, she looked down and then made her way over to the bed and sat near me. “I know this has all been really hard on you: the funeral, Kaylie…”
“Just promise me you’ll never leave me.”
“I promise.”
“But go away on occasion…”
She laughed, “I promise.”
“Will you help me get dressed?”
“Do I have to?”
“Please?”
“Oh, fine. But at least let me pick out your clothes. You spend every day looking like… well… like you. The least I can do is help you look good…” Her voice trailed off as she went sorting through my closet for something ’cool.’ Depressed over her selection, she pulled out my favorite jeans and a black t-shirt. “You win! An artist cannot create if she has nothing to work with!” She followed me to the kitchen after she helped me dress.
“Want some coffee?”
“No, thanks. I’m good.”
“Hey, whatever happened to those donuts you went out for last night?”
‘What?”
“Donuts! You left me a note.”
“I didn’t go out for donuts.”
“Really?”
She shrugged. “Sorry.”
“That’s odd.”
She shrugged again.
“The note- it was right on top of my journal.”
“Are you sure it was from me?”
“Maybe it was Colleen…”
“She goes for donuts, right?”
“I suppose.” The subject was soon forgotten as we watched more Dog Whisper reruns (a whole day marathon) on Nat Geo. The next time we spoke was when the phone rang at noon. It was Tam.
“We’re getting hungry,” I said.
“Who have you got there?”
“Just me and the cats…” I laughed at my own pun. Kat rolled her eyes.
“Would you like me to bring you something?”
“No, that’s ok. I can warm up some leftovers.”
“That won’t last you long. How about I pick up later and take you back to my house for a few days.”
I was shocked that he brought it up again, and so soon after his initial proposal. I took too many seconds trying to think up a reason to say no.
“The cats will be fine alone for a couple of days and I can check on them in the morning to make sure they have enough food and water.”
Again, I said nothing. Speak dummy!
“Molly?”
“I’ll be ok tonight. I think I need a night alone anyway. I haven’t have a minute to myself in a while.”
It was his turn to be silent.
“I’ll be fine. I didn’t sleep much last night, so I’ll most likely nap all day…”
He was still quiet. I didn’t know what else to say; Kali has separation issues; I’m expecting the cable guy in the morning; My mom is coming over… I had nothing.
“I’ll call you tonight.”
“Ok.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
And that was it.
I thought about calling my mom, to tell her what had happened. But if I did, she really would be up here within 24 hours, fussing over me, fixing things for me, yelling at me that I hadn’t called her sooner. I thought about Tam’s offer and being with him would have been nice, but his house is not my home. In some ways, I wish it was, but I’m not sure if I’m really ready for that transition in our relationship. The scars from my last relationship still hurt. What a stupid excuse. Tam was the best thing to come into my life and I will never in a million years find someone better; more stable, more responsible, more sensitive, more adoring and adorable, more wonderful, more willing to take care of my sorry ass. I trusted him with my life, but I don’t think it’s my life that I’m worried about.
***************************
Kat was gone when I woke up from my nap. I felt bad falling asleep, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. I was hungry but I had eaten all of the leftovers at lunch and there was nothing recognizable in the fridge, except for the lime Margarita mix. What the hell…
I knew I shouldn’t have called him, but my fingers seemed to have a mind of their own. And then, I was going to give him a piece of my mind. Who did he think he was? Keeping secrets from me is not a part of this relationship. I hiccupped and realized my hypocrisy. I’m such a loser.
“You’re drunk.”
“No, I am not,” I lied.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Yes...” I hesitated to tell him, but it was the truth. I had been mixing myself some very strong On the Rocks Margaritas all night, well, at least for the last two hours or so. I never knew tequila could taste so good when mixed with equal parts of lime Margarita mix.
“What’s wrong?”
“Besides life?”
“Are you ok?”
“No.”
“What can I do?”
“Bring her back. Make life not hurt so much.”
“What if we take some time off?”
“It wouldn’t make a difference. She would still be gone.”
“You are still here...”
I cried when I heard his words. Hadn’t he realized yet that I would have given anything, done anything, to change places with her. I would have easily, gladly, have put me in her place in a heartbeat, in half of a heartbeat. No doubt, no question in my mind, I would have died for her.
“Molly?”
I sobbed to let him know I was still on the line.
“Molly, I’m coming over.”
“No,” I said. I didn’t want him here. I didn’t want anyone here, to see me sobbing, to see me drown in my tears. I wasn’t the dignified Sheriff everyone knew me as, correction, as he knew me. I was a puddle on the floor and I didn’t want his sympathy or his outstretched helping hand. I wanted to be left alone, to wallow alone in my own self pity, to let my own sorrow wash over me, bathe in the salt water of my tears, to let me wallow in the mud of a life I chose, and to somehow claw my way out of this whole mess. “Molly!” He shouted in my ear still glued to the receiver, but I couldn’t hear him anymore. My drunken sobs drowned the noise of the living out and I was left in my own quiet solitude, left to my own self-destructive thoughts of how I should have died instead, how she could have been saved, if only... oh... if only....
I must have passed out. I woke up slightly to the touch of his arms around me, carrying me to my bed. I felt the comfort of my blanket wrap around me, engulfing me in a sense of ease, a sense of protection that he was ready to give to me. Being an officer of the law or not, he was ready and armed to fight off the nightmares. I have never met someone so brave to fight off my nightmares.
Morning broke and he stayed, keeping vigil over me. I wanted to call to him, to say his name, to whisper to him my gratitude and love, but I puke over the side of the bed instead, right into the wastebasket he so thoughtfully left for me. I couldn’t help it. The words in my head got caught in my throat and made me vomit any romantic sayings I could ever dream up. Whatever trouble I caused him last night cannot compare to the hang over that plagued me. My pain is his comfort. He laughed at me as he patted my back in mocking sympathy, and I just let him.
4:00 a.m. and awoke to a very dry mouth. The glass of water I usually keep on my nightstand was as dry as I was. I longed for my stale drink still sitting in the living room, alone and warm. The directions on the bottle read 4 parts mix to 1 part tequila. I used equal parts. I smiled to myself, the ingenuity! The cleverness of putting in as much alcohol as sugar flavored mix. I felt very proud of myself for duping Tam. I don’t think he realized how drunk I was. Now I know why people drink. It takes everything away, washes it away like a wave upon the beach, sucking it back out to the ocean, back out into the mass of the primordial ooze, dissolves it, tries to make it pure again. Why don’t I stay here more often? So often I torture myself, I should love myself, make myself feel good. Drink more, feel less. Do I really enjoy this? Do I secretly need to be miserable? I wish I could remember her face, her voice, her eyes... oh fuck. I got the hiccups. I heard a snicker from the body next to me, so I punched it. “Ow!” It said, as I giggled. “Take that, naive...” He had flinched. Slowly, his right eye opened and looked at me. “Why?” He slowly gasped out. I smiled at him, and he knew that he was welcome, but it pained me to let him in, into my home, into my life. I hiccupped again, irritated. He just laughed. Funny for him, he doesn’t have the goddamned hiccups. I get up for a glass of water.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on him...” I hear in my ear. I know whose voice it is and I swat at it like a bug. “He loves you...” I heard it again... “Let him love you...” it said, so I swatted at it again. I think I hit it because it didn’t come back. I took my glass of water and my hiccupping shoulders to couch. “You ok?” Tam asked. I couldn’t answer him. Between the alcohol and the crying, my hiccups were here to stay. I shrugged.
I was completely unaware of what day it was, where I was, or even who I was. What a wonderful feeling, but it didn’t last long. Tam made his way to the kitchen and started to cook something. It smelled great. After a few minutes of whistling of a tune I couldn’t place, he came back to the couch and began to shove a plethora of carbohydrates in front of me, trying to coerce me to eat them all. I ate a little of the French Toast, but only because there was maple syrup to drown them in. Once that ran out, I lost interest and stopped eating all together. I wasn’t hung over; I was still drunk. The food hit my stomach and I had to run to the bathroom to keep from vomiting on the floor. My body felt toxic. All the while I wretched into the toilet, the song Rockin’ in the Free World by Neil Young rang in my head. It’s funny what the mind tells you when you can’t think straight. I wonder what life will be like with out me in it?
I pray to the porcelain goddess... It was supposed to be me.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Chapter 8 Riding out the Roller Coaster
I opened my eyes to see Tam talking with Dr. Dan in the doorway. There was a wheelchair parked just behind them. I had hope of leaving this god-awful place. They both turned to look at me at the same time. Tam tried to smile but Dan didn’t. Instead, he sauntered over to my bed, hit my leg lightly with his clipboard and asked the question, “How are we today?”
I grimaced at the proverbial “we” and tried to be as nice as I possible could.
“Fine. What time is it?”
“Around 3. You’ve been out for just a few hours. I think we gave too much morphine in the drip this morning. Do you have any pain now?”
I grit me teeth. “No more than normal.”
“I’m giving you a prescription to have filled on the way home. It will help take the edge off of the pain. Take it with food but do not drink alcohol with it. Ok?”
“Ok. Hey, how’s my face look?”
“It’s fine. The swelling is down, just two stitches here and one here,” he pointed to my mouth and eyebrow. “Other wise you look great.”
“Are you flirting with me?”
“Oh, yeah, flirting…” he said with a deadpan tone. He rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you later. Let me know if you need anything,” he started talking to me, but finished the sentence by turning to Tam; he nodded. Dan handed Tam a clipboard, whispered something to him, gave me a little wave and stepped out of the room. Tam tapped his thumbs on the board. He walked slowly to me.
“You need to sign these before we can go.”
I nodded, and then tried to sign my name with my left hand. It was slightly legible, and completely legal. I hoped. It was then that I noticed that the wires and tubes were gone from my arm and that I was free to move about the left side of me.
“When’d they do that?” I asked the air as I moved my left arm up and down like a newly freed puppet. Tam ignored me. He took the board and the papers and left the room. Without a sound, without a word; I looked after him in complete confusion, especially when I heard a little whisper in my left ear. I was about to swat at when I glimpsed the face of Kat inches away from me.
“What the hell?” I let slip as I turned my head to face her. She just smiled at me. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you want?”
“Why are you so pissy with me? He’s the one who virtually ignored you,”
“You saw that too, huh?”
“What’s going on?”
“Hell if I know. I just woke up. It’s as though I have the plague or something”
“The word around the hospital... is that...”
“What?”
“I shouldn’t tell you. You’ll get upset.”
“What are they saying?”
She sighed. So did I. I knew what they were saying. “They think I’m lying about my arm, aren’t they? They think I’m holding a secret and that somehow, all this mystery could be lifted if I would just confess.” Her look said it all. I fell back into the bed and turned onto my left side. Kat pulled the chair up to the bed to be closer to be. We looked at each other.
“Is there something you want to confess?”
“Um, I stole a piece of candy from the grocery store when I was five...”
“Can’t you be serious for one minute?”
“Seriously? You want seriousness? I am serious, I can’t remember what may have happened to cause fractures in my arm. Christ, how did I become the bad guy?”
“You were the last one to be alone with a little girl who is now dead,”
“What are you saying?” My question was interrupted with Tam pounding back in, running the wheelchair into the door jam, and then shoving it through the doorway into my room. I grimaced. I hoped he doesn’t do that when I’m sitting in it. That would really put a sour note into our relationship.
“Let’s go.”
“Uh, ok. Can you help me up?”
Tam let out a labored sigh, then moved around the wheelchair to fetch my clothes in the closet. Kat held my arm from behind me and helped me stabilize until I was able to get to edge of the bed. I slowly sat up, swung my feet over the edge. Tam met me there and helped me dress. Slowly, we finished, but my jacket wouldn’t fit over my cast, as my shirt barely did, so we hung it over my shoulder. We proceeded to leave the room without notice. We quietly slipped out and disappeared through the sliding doors. Tam helped me into his truck and then wheeled the chair back to the lobby. Kat slid into the second row seating and sat back. She was quiet for the entire trip. I wanted her to say something, to break the tension, but perhaps she was just as overwhelmed by it all, just as I was. Tam slammed his door shut and started the roaring engine. It wasn’t a long drive back home, but it seemed like it took forever in the silence. He didn’t even look at me. He was too fixated on the road. I watched his eyes. They darted back and forth across the road, into the trees, across the fields, and glancing up at the mirror. I felt like screaming ‘What the hell is going on with you?’ but I didn’t. He was up to something. And knowing him, it was best not to interrupt him. It was like when I’m “off somewhere,” as Kat had said. It was always best not to interrupt me. I liked to snap at people, and so did Tam. I decided to just watch him. With this realization also came a sense of relaxation. With this realization, it meant that he wasn’t angry with me; he was preoccupied. Granted, he could have expressed it better, and not be so rough around me, but I was getting used to it. This is the work part of our relationship, and he never ceases to surprise me.
After twenty minutes of complete silence, a sound circulated in the air. “Damn it,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
I lost my patience. “Oh, no you don’t. You tell me what the hell is going on.”
He pulled the truck over onto the side on the road. “Wait here.”
I was dumbstruck. “Excuse me?”
He yelled into the cab before he slammed the door, “Stay here!” The sound of his voice threw me back into my seat. I watched him walk across the road and disappear into a thin stand of trees just back off of the road.
“Where is he going?” asked Kat. I had forgotten that she was still there.
“I don’t know.” I prepared myself to jump out after him, but the seat belt stuck and then my cast whacked against the door and I couldn’t get the handle to release. Kat snickered. “You could help me.”
“Tam said that you should stay here.” I looked at her in shock.
“Since when do you do anything anyone tells you to do?”
She shrugged. I turned around in my seat to see Tam emerging from the trees. I could see his breath in the air. He had been running. He jogged back to the truck, hopped in and started the engine. Within seconds of his return, we were back on the road. He kept looking back at where he had come from.
“Did you find anything?”
“No.”
“What were you looking for?”
He said nothing.
“I’m still on this case, you know. I’m still your boss...”
“This has nothing to do with you,” he snapped.
I shut my mouth to keep my lips from trembling.
A few minutes later he pulled up into my parking lot. He got out of the truck and moved quickly to my side and opened my door for me. He helped me out and then again up the stairs to my apartment. The door was open; I rarely lock it. He took my coat and hung it up and said that he realized that he forgot to get my prescription filled. He kissed my forehead and ran out of the door. It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to object. I stared after him and watched him drive away. He’ll be back, I tried to reassure myself. He must come back, right? He’s bringing me my pain pills. I sighed. I turned around and heavily sat on the couch next to Kat. She turned to look at me.
“Don’t say a damn thing,” I scowled at her.
“Not a word will cross these lips. Want a donut?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think he’ll be back?”
I started to cry. Kat put her hand behind my head and helped me to lay down on the couch. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and said in a soothing voice, “Just think happy thoughts.” Her words were like melted chocolate. I drifted off wishing I had a candy bar.
I woke about an hour later to Tam trying to be quiet in the kitchen. Kat was gone. I sat up and saw a wrinkled note lay on the coffee table, slightly draped over my journal. “Gone to get Donuts. Be back soon. XO Kat.” I tucked the note in the journal and slowly steadied myself for the trip to the kitchen. Tam’s back was to me. It looked as though he was cooking. Ah, he does love me.
“Hi,” came a scratch from my throat.
He spun around with the knife still in his hand. “Hi, How are you feeling?”
“Ok.”
“I got your pills. They’re there on the counter.” He pointed the way with the knife.
“Thanks.”
“You’ll want to use them. I’ve broken many bones in my day, and boy, the pain can sure be a bitch.”
I was surprised that he swore. He never swore, not any of the big ones anyway. I was the one who had the sailor mouth.
“Are you hungry?”
“A little. What are you making?”
“Your favorite.”
“My favorite favorite? Or just my favorite?”
“Your favorite favorite.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
I took a whiff and immediate sucked in the scent of meatballs in tomato sauce and buttered mashed potatoes. Oh god, I was in heaven. It was the modified version of stuffed peppers without the peppers. Peppers make me burp. I like them, just can’t eat them.
“I want to apologize...” Tam started to say. He kept looking down at the pot of potatoes he was mashing. “I didn’t mean to get curt with you. I just...was preoccupied. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll accept you apology if you tell me what was going on.”
He sighed. “I think we may have a rabid coyote on the lose.”
“Is that all?” I nearly laughed, but tried to keep it in.
“It’s enough,” he said calmly. “You don’t need to be worried about something like this. I can handle it.”
“I know you can, and I appreciate it, but seriously, you could have told me that!”
“I wanted to get you home first. I just got the news about it this morning and when we were driving home, I thought I saw a dead animal in the field. Turned out to be nothing. Just a pile of brush.”
“Oh,”
“Anyway, I’m sorry. Here, taste this.”
Tam’s food was like an elixir; one taste and all of your cares and worries melted away. I had to forgive him. This was delicious.
“Mmmm. Fantastic.”
He smiled. “I was going to make spaghetti, but I thought that would be cruel.”
We both laughed as I wiggled my cast in the air. My laugh was not really a funny-ha-ha laugh but rather a sardonic ironic laugh. “Yes, that would have been hard.”
“Can you mange to get some plates?”
“Sure.” I tried to find the humor in my cast, but it just wasn’t there. I really did rely on my right arm for so much. I laughed to myself thinking that Tam was like my right arm man. I secretly hoped that he would never get broken.
After dinner, Tam helped me dress for bed. I told him I was going to have to learn how to do it on my own, and he said something that stunned me more than his swearing. “Maybe you should move in with me.” And then he added, “For a while. Until you feel more stable.” I didn’t give him an answer, not even with the amended part. I turned off the light. I couldn’t cuddle up to him sleeping on the left side so we fell asleep on the opposite side of the bed of where we usually slept. It felt strange at first, but I fell asleep too fast to really begin to care.
I grimaced at the proverbial “we” and tried to be as nice as I possible could.
“Fine. What time is it?”
“Around 3. You’ve been out for just a few hours. I think we gave too much morphine in the drip this morning. Do you have any pain now?”
I grit me teeth. “No more than normal.”
“I’m giving you a prescription to have filled on the way home. It will help take the edge off of the pain. Take it with food but do not drink alcohol with it. Ok?”
“Ok. Hey, how’s my face look?”
“It’s fine. The swelling is down, just two stitches here and one here,” he pointed to my mouth and eyebrow. “Other wise you look great.”
“Are you flirting with me?”
“Oh, yeah, flirting…” he said with a deadpan tone. He rolled his eyes. “I’ll see you later. Let me know if you need anything,” he started talking to me, but finished the sentence by turning to Tam; he nodded. Dan handed Tam a clipboard, whispered something to him, gave me a little wave and stepped out of the room. Tam tapped his thumbs on the board. He walked slowly to me.
“You need to sign these before we can go.”
I nodded, and then tried to sign my name with my left hand. It was slightly legible, and completely legal. I hoped. It was then that I noticed that the wires and tubes were gone from my arm and that I was free to move about the left side of me.
“When’d they do that?” I asked the air as I moved my left arm up and down like a newly freed puppet. Tam ignored me. He took the board and the papers and left the room. Without a sound, without a word; I looked after him in complete confusion, especially when I heard a little whisper in my left ear. I was about to swat at when I glimpsed the face of Kat inches away from me.
“What the hell?” I let slip as I turned my head to face her. She just smiled at me. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you want?”
“Why are you so pissy with me? He’s the one who virtually ignored you,”
“You saw that too, huh?”
“What’s going on?”
“Hell if I know. I just woke up. It’s as though I have the plague or something”
“The word around the hospital... is that...”
“What?”
“I shouldn’t tell you. You’ll get upset.”
“What are they saying?”
She sighed. So did I. I knew what they were saying. “They think I’m lying about my arm, aren’t they? They think I’m holding a secret and that somehow, all this mystery could be lifted if I would just confess.” Her look said it all. I fell back into the bed and turned onto my left side. Kat pulled the chair up to the bed to be closer to be. We looked at each other.
“Is there something you want to confess?”
“Um, I stole a piece of candy from the grocery store when I was five...”
“Can’t you be serious for one minute?”
“Seriously? You want seriousness? I am serious, I can’t remember what may have happened to cause fractures in my arm. Christ, how did I become the bad guy?”
“You were the last one to be alone with a little girl who is now dead,”
“What are you saying?” My question was interrupted with Tam pounding back in, running the wheelchair into the door jam, and then shoving it through the doorway into my room. I grimaced. I hoped he doesn’t do that when I’m sitting in it. That would really put a sour note into our relationship.
“Let’s go.”
“Uh, ok. Can you help me up?”
Tam let out a labored sigh, then moved around the wheelchair to fetch my clothes in the closet. Kat held my arm from behind me and helped me stabilize until I was able to get to edge of the bed. I slowly sat up, swung my feet over the edge. Tam met me there and helped me dress. Slowly, we finished, but my jacket wouldn’t fit over my cast, as my shirt barely did, so we hung it over my shoulder. We proceeded to leave the room without notice. We quietly slipped out and disappeared through the sliding doors. Tam helped me into his truck and then wheeled the chair back to the lobby. Kat slid into the second row seating and sat back. She was quiet for the entire trip. I wanted her to say something, to break the tension, but perhaps she was just as overwhelmed by it all, just as I was. Tam slammed his door shut and started the roaring engine. It wasn’t a long drive back home, but it seemed like it took forever in the silence. He didn’t even look at me. He was too fixated on the road. I watched his eyes. They darted back and forth across the road, into the trees, across the fields, and glancing up at the mirror. I felt like screaming ‘What the hell is going on with you?’ but I didn’t. He was up to something. And knowing him, it was best not to interrupt him. It was like when I’m “off somewhere,” as Kat had said. It was always best not to interrupt me. I liked to snap at people, and so did Tam. I decided to just watch him. With this realization also came a sense of relaxation. With this realization, it meant that he wasn’t angry with me; he was preoccupied. Granted, he could have expressed it better, and not be so rough around me, but I was getting used to it. This is the work part of our relationship, and he never ceases to surprise me.
After twenty minutes of complete silence, a sound circulated in the air. “Damn it,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
I lost my patience. “Oh, no you don’t. You tell me what the hell is going on.”
He pulled the truck over onto the side on the road. “Wait here.”
I was dumbstruck. “Excuse me?”
He yelled into the cab before he slammed the door, “Stay here!” The sound of his voice threw me back into my seat. I watched him walk across the road and disappear into a thin stand of trees just back off of the road.
“Where is he going?” asked Kat. I had forgotten that she was still there.
“I don’t know.” I prepared myself to jump out after him, but the seat belt stuck and then my cast whacked against the door and I couldn’t get the handle to release. Kat snickered. “You could help me.”
“Tam said that you should stay here.” I looked at her in shock.
“Since when do you do anything anyone tells you to do?”
She shrugged. I turned around in my seat to see Tam emerging from the trees. I could see his breath in the air. He had been running. He jogged back to the truck, hopped in and started the engine. Within seconds of his return, we were back on the road. He kept looking back at where he had come from.
“Did you find anything?”
“No.”
“What were you looking for?”
He said nothing.
“I’m still on this case, you know. I’m still your boss...”
“This has nothing to do with you,” he snapped.
I shut my mouth to keep my lips from trembling.
A few minutes later he pulled up into my parking lot. He got out of the truck and moved quickly to my side and opened my door for me. He helped me out and then again up the stairs to my apartment. The door was open; I rarely lock it. He took my coat and hung it up and said that he realized that he forgot to get my prescription filled. He kissed my forehead and ran out of the door. It happened so fast that I didn’t have time to object. I stared after him and watched him drive away. He’ll be back, I tried to reassure myself. He must come back, right? He’s bringing me my pain pills. I sighed. I turned around and heavily sat on the couch next to Kat. She turned to look at me.
“Don’t say a damn thing,” I scowled at her.
“Not a word will cross these lips. Want a donut?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think he’ll be back?”
I started to cry. Kat put her hand behind my head and helped me to lay down on the couch. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and said in a soothing voice, “Just think happy thoughts.” Her words were like melted chocolate. I drifted off wishing I had a candy bar.
I woke about an hour later to Tam trying to be quiet in the kitchen. Kat was gone. I sat up and saw a wrinkled note lay on the coffee table, slightly draped over my journal. “Gone to get Donuts. Be back soon. XO Kat.” I tucked the note in the journal and slowly steadied myself for the trip to the kitchen. Tam’s back was to me. It looked as though he was cooking. Ah, he does love me.
“Hi,” came a scratch from my throat.
He spun around with the knife still in his hand. “Hi, How are you feeling?”
“Ok.”
“I got your pills. They’re there on the counter.” He pointed the way with the knife.
“Thanks.”
“You’ll want to use them. I’ve broken many bones in my day, and boy, the pain can sure be a bitch.”
I was surprised that he swore. He never swore, not any of the big ones anyway. I was the one who had the sailor mouth.
“Are you hungry?”
“A little. What are you making?”
“Your favorite.”
“My favorite favorite? Or just my favorite?”
“Your favorite favorite.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
I took a whiff and immediate sucked in the scent of meatballs in tomato sauce and buttered mashed potatoes. Oh god, I was in heaven. It was the modified version of stuffed peppers without the peppers. Peppers make me burp. I like them, just can’t eat them.
“I want to apologize...” Tam started to say. He kept looking down at the pot of potatoes he was mashing. “I didn’t mean to get curt with you. I just...was preoccupied. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll accept you apology if you tell me what was going on.”
He sighed. “I think we may have a rabid coyote on the lose.”
“Is that all?” I nearly laughed, but tried to keep it in.
“It’s enough,” he said calmly. “You don’t need to be worried about something like this. I can handle it.”
“I know you can, and I appreciate it, but seriously, you could have told me that!”
“I wanted to get you home first. I just got the news about it this morning and when we were driving home, I thought I saw a dead animal in the field. Turned out to be nothing. Just a pile of brush.”
“Oh,”
“Anyway, I’m sorry. Here, taste this.”
Tam’s food was like an elixir; one taste and all of your cares and worries melted away. I had to forgive him. This was delicious.
“Mmmm. Fantastic.”
He smiled. “I was going to make spaghetti, but I thought that would be cruel.”
We both laughed as I wiggled my cast in the air. My laugh was not really a funny-ha-ha laugh but rather a sardonic ironic laugh. “Yes, that would have been hard.”
“Can you mange to get some plates?”
“Sure.” I tried to find the humor in my cast, but it just wasn’t there. I really did rely on my right arm for so much. I laughed to myself thinking that Tam was like my right arm man. I secretly hoped that he would never get broken.
After dinner, Tam helped me dress for bed. I told him I was going to have to learn how to do it on my own, and he said something that stunned me more than his swearing. “Maybe you should move in with me.” And then he added, “For a while. Until you feel more stable.” I didn’t give him an answer, not even with the amended part. I turned off the light. I couldn’t cuddle up to him sleeping on the left side so we fell asleep on the opposite side of the bed of where we usually slept. It felt strange at first, but I fell asleep too fast to really begin to care.
Chapter 7 How can I frighten the frightening?
I woke up in darkness. A dull glow came from the hallway. I slowly remembered where I was. I reached for the call-button but I knocked over a cup of water and the large, chucky phone that sat on the tray by the bed. I also noticed that they gave me an I.V. as I had knocked that over too and screamed as the needle yanked out of arm. The lights suddenly came on and I could have sworn I heard the nurse say: “They said you were going to be trouble...” She pressed the call button for assistance as she bent over me and sang: “Whoopsies! What did you do?” Her breath smelled like onions. The other nurse raced in and thankfully didn’t say a word. She went straight over to my bleeding arm. The noisy nurse on the other hand kept talking to me as if I were a child. She wiped up the spilt water, which was nice of her. She did provide distraction because after just a few seconds nurse number two had replaced my I.V. without me realizing it. “How’s that?” she asked. “I didn’t even notice,” I marveled. She smiled at me. “If there’s anything you need, ask for Lisa.” I smiled back at her. “Thanks.” I watched nurse number two leave, silently wishing that she wouldn’t leave me alone with doorknob number one and her onion breath. She was still sputtering about the spilt water. I turned on the T.V. to drown out her nauseating voice when Tam came in. He wasn’t smiling. The nurse didn’t see him and kept on. I turned the T.V. off and asked her if she wouldn’t mind stepping out for few minutes. She was about to protest when she saw Tam, this large looming man staring dead pan at her. She immediately shut up and excused herself. She closed the door and the silence in the room rang in my ears. I almost wished she hadn’t left. Tam sat down in the chair next to the bed. He didn’t say anything. I had a feeling that this time, it wasn’t because of me.
“Kylie’s gone,” he whispered. I didn’t say anything. “She didn’t give us much information, unfortunately. They are doing an autopsy right now. Betsy is a wreck. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t make it through...” His voice stopped. I could tell he was more than usually upset. Tam was a good friend of Betsy’s brother Matt in High School. He was also one of the first on scene when Matt’s car went off of the Windham Bridge a few years ago.
I didn’t know what to say. I was still so tired and weak from the medicine, but I could still feel the tears run down the sides of my face. I just had her in my arms. I could still feel her little body safely cradled in my arms, her breath on my neck.
“Can I get you some water?” I heard a deep, soothing familiar voice say.
I nodded.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.”
I pictured her little body shivering in the cold. Why couldn’t I have found her earlier? I should have been out there looking for her instead of napping. Why wasn’t I there? We had a trail, and I should have been the one following it. Damn it, I should have never let Kelly be in charge of that. I should have done it myself.
“You can’t do everything, you know. You’re not Wonder Woman, though I know you think you are.” Kat stood next to me, giving me a stern, yet slightly sympathetic look.
“All I ever wanted to do was to stop the violence. Make the world a little safer to live in, you know?”
“Yes, I do know. But you could not have prevented this! You are not at fault here.”
“I could have found her.”
“Oh, really? Did you know where she was?”
“No.”
“Then, how could you have found her?”
“I should have paid more attention. It was my job to find her and I didn’t.”
“If she had lived, you wouldn’t be talking this way.”
“I had her in my arms- I just had her in my arms. I can still feel her- her cold little hands wrapped around me neck, holding on as tight as she could, not wanting to let go. I shouldn’t have let her go.”
“You have to let go sometime.”
“Nothing would have mattered if only she were alive.” I gulped. “I just had her, Kat...I just had her in my arms. I should have been there sooner...”
“You can’t dwell on the past anymore than you can go into the past and change things. Things are as they are. We have to live with that.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“Is it? I can’t change the past either, and I know how much you’re hurting. This hasn’t been easy on anyone. I know that. Your pain is everyone’s pain. We all have to get through this together.” Kat took my hand. “I know you feel like you have a job to do, but you also have to remember that you are not infallible. You are human just like everyone else. We all live and someday we will all die. There’s no stopping that.”
“I would have liked to have prolonged Kylie’s life a little. She was just a child...”
“We all die too young. We all miss out on opportunities. It’s what we signed up for when we are born. There are no guarantees, but luckily there are people like you out there making sure that we get every possible chance to make it for as long as we can. Sometimes those chances don’t turn out the way we want them to.”
“She didn’t even get a chance...”
“Molly, she could have died at the hands of that lunatic. But she didn’t. She was able to be warm and to feel safe. You were able to give her peace one last time. Betsy was able to hold her one last time. She wouldn’t have if you hadn’t found her. You made sure she didn’t die alone and frightened. I would take a peaceful death over the alternative any day.”
“I had just gotten to her sooner...”
“You still may have been too late.”
Tears kept rolling down my face. “I’m always too late.”
“You can’t stop the bad people from doing something bad to other people, but you can stop them from further hurting someone else.”
“Where’s Tam?”
“He went to get you some water.”
“Damn. He’s been gone forever. How long does it take to get a drink of water around here?” I half yelled.
“Maybe he got caught up with the water police.” She gave me a weird look, “Yeah, Ok. You need to sleep. Those meds are making you babble like an idiot.”
“You are so funny.”
She smiled and then yawned. “Oh, I need a nap too. Do you mind if I crash on the couch?”
“No, please stay. I don’t want to be alone in here. That crazy nurse might come back. I’ll need a witness.”
She laughed as she shook her head.
“Can I dim the lights?”
“Yes! The brightness is giving me a headache.”
She found an extra blanket in the closet and settled down on the stiff couch across the room. I watched her as she quickly fall asleep. She looked so grown up. Kat was born when I was just starting High school. She was such a beautiful baby. Because I was older by the time she had come along, I was able to appreciate her. Kat was young enough for me to show off to my friends. I would bring the baby to the park and everyone would just go crazy over her. So did I. It seemed so long ago. She became a woman over night- when I wasn’t watching. I still think of her as a little girl. She will never grow up in my eyes. She will stay just as she is forever- perfect.
Tam quietly returned with a bag. He set it on my rolling table and started to unpack bottles of water, cherry yogurt, fresh fruit and garlic bread. He knew me so well.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied, dryly.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, a little.” He sat down and started to lay out the picnic.
“I couldn’t find a nurse so I went to the cafeteria. This was all they had left. The bread may be a little dry. It’s been sitting under a heat lamp.”
“Are you making small talk?”
“Just giving you the facts, ma’am.” He smiled at me. “Eat your food.”
“What time is it?”
“Around quarter to 11.”
“The cafeteria was open?”
He gave a sly little laugh. “Well, no, not really,”
I have him an inquisitive glance.
“Do you remember that guy I had a slow-paced chase on foot with, about a year ago?”
“The naked guy?”
“Yeah! I kept following him until I corralled him into the jail center...”
“He woke up screaming the next day, convinced we took his clothes...” I finished his story.
“Yeah!” Tam was giggling at this point, which made me giggle, more at him than at the memory of the drunken naked man who spent a very cold night in my dusty, cold jail. I must admit, though, he wasn’t a bad looking naked guy; trim, fairly athletic, young. Just imagine the horror it could have been...
“So, are you trying to tell me Naked Guy is working in the cafeteria?”
Tam nods a ‘yes’ as his face turns a light shade of red from losing his breath to the giggles.
“I am eating Naked Guy’s food?”
Tam takes a breath, “ Well, he’s not naked anymore!” and lets out another round of laughs. “I went down there... it was closed... I see him... rather... he sees me...” (I shake my head at his loss of breath) “He says to me... ‘DUDE! What are you doing here?’ and I say that I’m looking for some food... for you... and he takes me back behind the divider and gives me all this stuff.” (I have to wonder how he addressed me to Naked Guy: did he use my name; did he refer to me as his boss; or did he say that dreaded word ‘girlfriend’?) “Nice of him, huh?”
“Yeah. Really nice.”
Tam smiles to himself, still picturing the oddity of an extremely drunk and disoriented Naked Guy, I am sure.
We ate for a while in silence. It’s hard for me to admit, but I didn’t have anything to say. I ate a few pieces of fruit but it tasted sour to me and I put the rest down. I couldn’t eat. My face started to hurt again from smiling and my arm began to throb. But it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that really bothered me. Then it started to escape through my eyes. Tam immediately put down his food and slid onto my bed and held me.
“She was just in my arms,” I choked out. Everything came flooding forward, spewing forth like water from a broken faucet. I was remembering how everyone was together for Christmas, making different plans for New Year’s Eve, not even a thought going through anyone’s mind that we would be together again the following week for a funeral. The phone call, the tears of everyone standing in the room, seeing her laid out in massive makeup that made her unrecognizable, all of her freckles covered up. Her chest not moving because there was no air to take in; I stood by her body waiting for her to wake up, waiting for her to sit up and tell us to knock it off; to stop making such a fuss over her, to stop embarrassing her; like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal.
Tam put his arm around me. “I didn’t realize that this would all be so hard on you. You should have taken more time off. You should have stayed with your family.” He pulled me tighter. “I should have been there with you,” he whispered to me. Welcome to my life in regret.
I shook my head. “I had my family.”
“You also have me.”
“I know that now,” I said and then as an after thought, “Thank you.”
I snuggled myself into him. He was so warm. I could hear his heart beating. He felt so wonderful after all of this death that surrounded me.
“I could have been with you; you weren’t that far away.”
“I couldn’t speak, let alone breathe, Tam. I think I’m still in shock. Every time I think about her I just can’t believe that she’s gone and that I’ll never get to talk to her again.”
“Things happen for a reason.”
“Why- why would you say that?” I lifted my head to look him the face, to see the actual words still lingering over his head to be sure that he really did just say what I thought he said. “There is no reason for her death. Horrible things happen to people who don’t deserve it. There’s no reason to take away a life, a young life who had everything in the future to look forward to.”
“Would you rather her death be meaningless?”
“It was.”
“Can you try to find something positive about it?”
I scoffed. “I’ll let you know in a few years.” Decades, maybe.
My head was spinning. Words of anger and reason swirled around in my mind- I knew what he meant, but I didn’t want to think about it. If I did, then I would have to think of more words, more thoughts, more memories- I just couldn’t right now. Not now. I laid my head back again and snuggled into his shoulder. I closed my eyes with tears still stinging them.
************************
I woke up the next morning hungry. My mouth was dry a bit as well, but at least my lips and the rest of my face weren’t so painful. Kat had left; her blanket neatly folded at the end of the couch. Tam wasn’t there either. His jacket was still hung over the chair so I knew he had to be around; just the thought of him near me felt good. I smiled just thinking about him. I smiled wider when he walked through my door carrying a bouquet of daisies.
“Good morning.”
“Hi.” My throat was dry and voice sounded raspy. I coughed to clear, but it didn’t help. “Are those for me?” I squeaked out.
“They aren’t my favorite flower, so they must be.” He set the vase on the table near the bed. “Last one in the gift shop.”
“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” He bent over me for a kiss. It was the best kiss I’ve had in a long time. There aren’t too many people who know about our relationship, but at that moment, I didn’t care who saw us. I just wanted him. A familiar doctor came into the room in the middle of our lip lock. I could feel my cheeks flush slightly. He just smiled. Tam sat down in the chair, slightly flushed as well. I was grinning like an idiot, and it felt great.
“Hi, Dan.”
“How are you felling?” he asked me.
“All right.”
“Dizziness?”
“A little.”
He shone a light in my eyes. “Eyes look clear. Swelling is down on your face. How’s the pain.”
“Tolerable.” I glanced down at my cast. The throbbing surrounding my bone was just an inconvenience compared to the other pain. This giant thing on my arm, however, was going to get very annoying very fast. I couldn’t even scratch my nose; one arm with an I.V., which was still sore from when I pulled it out last night and the other immobile, weighing in at a good five hundred pounds. I had no idea how I was going to work with this monstrosity. 6-8 weeks he said. Maybe less if I behaved myself. Like that’s going to happen.
“How would you like to go home?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
“Before I discharge you, I would like for you to talk to the psychiatrist...”
“You think I’m crazy?”
He laughed. “She wants to talk to everyone who was involved with Kylie’s rescue.” It’s funny how I could always tell when he was lying. Like the time he had asked me out to the Jefferson High School’s Homecoming Dance freshman year, then backed out at the last minute saying he had the flu when actually he went to another dance in a neighboring county with Mindy Schelfer. I knew he was lying but confirmed it when Mindy’s cousin Susan told me the whole story at a track meet the following weekend. “Tell me first, how did you really hurt your arm? I don’t mean to pry, but it just seems that what you said about yesterday doesn’t add up to your injury. Can you remember anything about the weeks before you came home?”
“A bit.”
“Did you have an accident? A fall? Anything traumatic happen that could have resulted in you hitting your arm?”
“Not that I can recall.” Besides the ripping and tearing out of my heart, that is, but that had nothing to do with my arm.
“Molly, Dr. Davis is letting me handle this because he knows that we’re friends. Listen to me- your fractures are old. They were not made yesterday or from the day before. Is there something that you are not telling me?”
“Seriously! I have no idea what I did! I bumped it a few times, once at the office, once at the diner- honestly, I just thought the combination of the bumps had done this!” I was speaking the truth, but both of the men looked at me like I was little kid who denied stealing a piece of chocolate candy that covered my lips. I couldn’t resist licking them.
“I’m sorry, Molly, but I don’t believe you.” I tried to protest, but the dry words became stuck around my teeth. My mouth was still hanging open after he left. ‘Three weeks!’ I was shocked. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. I was just as bewildered as he was. I felt pressure building up in my head, a panic-like feeling. Everything was hurtling at me so fast, I couldn’t take it all in. So much to think about, so much to feel, so I just stopped. I saw Tam talk to me, but I could not hear him. I stared at my hands; they were so ruff and chapped, not smooth like a woman’s hands should be. I am a woman, still, aren’t I? I suppose I present myself as tough, being the Sheriff and all... I’m not exactly old, but when I did start feeling old? My face felt like it sank into itself, and my bones, not just the ones in my arms, ached. I think I’m 33 years old, I can’t remember right now. What happened to me? Where did I go? When will I be back?
“Molly?” Tam’s voice penetrated through the grime of my thoughts. I looked for him wearily, but I couldn’t see him. Perhaps my painkillers are taking effect.
“Molly, this is Jamie. She would like to talk to you.” Dan was standing next to the bed. Funny, I couldn’t feel my mouth.
“Molly?” Jamie’s soft voice floated in the air.
“Hum?” I grunted.
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
My face still moved, so I gave her a ‘go ahead’ kind of gesture with my eyebrows and a little shrug with my shoulders. How was I going to be able to answer her?
“You found Kylie, is that correct?”
I nodded.
“How did you come about her?”
I coughed a little and was able to squeal out an acceptable answer. “We received a call saying that she had been located.”
Jamie gave a little grunt.
“No, Tam got the call. He took the call, my cell phone didn’t work.” I looked to Tam to ask him what was said over that call, but he was gone. He must have left the room because he wasn’t on the floor. For a moment, I thought I was on the floor. Dan came over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. Maybe I was about to fall on the floor.
“That’s enough,” Dan mumbled. “She needs rest.”
“But I’m not done...” Jamie sounded like she had a mouth full of popcorn.
“Why is everyone mumbling?” I mumbled. The more suitable question would have been, ‘Why is the room spinning?’
“Kylie’s gone,” he whispered. I didn’t say anything. “She didn’t give us much information, unfortunately. They are doing an autopsy right now. Betsy is a wreck. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t make it through...” His voice stopped. I could tell he was more than usually upset. Tam was a good friend of Betsy’s brother Matt in High School. He was also one of the first on scene when Matt’s car went off of the Windham Bridge a few years ago.
I didn’t know what to say. I was still so tired and weak from the medicine, but I could still feel the tears run down the sides of my face. I just had her in my arms. I could still feel her little body safely cradled in my arms, her breath on my neck.
“Can I get you some water?” I heard a deep, soothing familiar voice say.
I nodded.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.”
I pictured her little body shivering in the cold. Why couldn’t I have found her earlier? I should have been out there looking for her instead of napping. Why wasn’t I there? We had a trail, and I should have been the one following it. Damn it, I should have never let Kelly be in charge of that. I should have done it myself.
“You can’t do everything, you know. You’re not Wonder Woman, though I know you think you are.” Kat stood next to me, giving me a stern, yet slightly sympathetic look.
“All I ever wanted to do was to stop the violence. Make the world a little safer to live in, you know?”
“Yes, I do know. But you could not have prevented this! You are not at fault here.”
“I could have found her.”
“Oh, really? Did you know where she was?”
“No.”
“Then, how could you have found her?”
“I should have paid more attention. It was my job to find her and I didn’t.”
“If she had lived, you wouldn’t be talking this way.”
“I had her in my arms- I just had her in my arms. I can still feel her- her cold little hands wrapped around me neck, holding on as tight as she could, not wanting to let go. I shouldn’t have let her go.”
“You have to let go sometime.”
“Nothing would have mattered if only she were alive.” I gulped. “I just had her, Kat...I just had her in my arms. I should have been there sooner...”
“You can’t dwell on the past anymore than you can go into the past and change things. Things are as they are. We have to live with that.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“Is it? I can’t change the past either, and I know how much you’re hurting. This hasn’t been easy on anyone. I know that. Your pain is everyone’s pain. We all have to get through this together.” Kat took my hand. “I know you feel like you have a job to do, but you also have to remember that you are not infallible. You are human just like everyone else. We all live and someday we will all die. There’s no stopping that.”
“I would have liked to have prolonged Kylie’s life a little. She was just a child...”
“We all die too young. We all miss out on opportunities. It’s what we signed up for when we are born. There are no guarantees, but luckily there are people like you out there making sure that we get every possible chance to make it for as long as we can. Sometimes those chances don’t turn out the way we want them to.”
“She didn’t even get a chance...”
“Molly, she could have died at the hands of that lunatic. But she didn’t. She was able to be warm and to feel safe. You were able to give her peace one last time. Betsy was able to hold her one last time. She wouldn’t have if you hadn’t found her. You made sure she didn’t die alone and frightened. I would take a peaceful death over the alternative any day.”
“I had just gotten to her sooner...”
“You still may have been too late.”
Tears kept rolling down my face. “I’m always too late.”
“You can’t stop the bad people from doing something bad to other people, but you can stop them from further hurting someone else.”
“Where’s Tam?”
“He went to get you some water.”
“Damn. He’s been gone forever. How long does it take to get a drink of water around here?” I half yelled.
“Maybe he got caught up with the water police.” She gave me a weird look, “Yeah, Ok. You need to sleep. Those meds are making you babble like an idiot.”
“You are so funny.”
She smiled and then yawned. “Oh, I need a nap too. Do you mind if I crash on the couch?”
“No, please stay. I don’t want to be alone in here. That crazy nurse might come back. I’ll need a witness.”
She laughed as she shook her head.
“Can I dim the lights?”
“Yes! The brightness is giving me a headache.”
She found an extra blanket in the closet and settled down on the stiff couch across the room. I watched her as she quickly fall asleep. She looked so grown up. Kat was born when I was just starting High school. She was such a beautiful baby. Because I was older by the time she had come along, I was able to appreciate her. Kat was young enough for me to show off to my friends. I would bring the baby to the park and everyone would just go crazy over her. So did I. It seemed so long ago. She became a woman over night- when I wasn’t watching. I still think of her as a little girl. She will never grow up in my eyes. She will stay just as she is forever- perfect.
Tam quietly returned with a bag. He set it on my rolling table and started to unpack bottles of water, cherry yogurt, fresh fruit and garlic bread. He knew me so well.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied, dryly.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, a little.” He sat down and started to lay out the picnic.
“I couldn’t find a nurse so I went to the cafeteria. This was all they had left. The bread may be a little dry. It’s been sitting under a heat lamp.”
“Are you making small talk?”
“Just giving you the facts, ma’am.” He smiled at me. “Eat your food.”
“What time is it?”
“Around quarter to 11.”
“The cafeteria was open?”
He gave a sly little laugh. “Well, no, not really,”
I have him an inquisitive glance.
“Do you remember that guy I had a slow-paced chase on foot with, about a year ago?”
“The naked guy?”
“Yeah! I kept following him until I corralled him into the jail center...”
“He woke up screaming the next day, convinced we took his clothes...” I finished his story.
“Yeah!” Tam was giggling at this point, which made me giggle, more at him than at the memory of the drunken naked man who spent a very cold night in my dusty, cold jail. I must admit, though, he wasn’t a bad looking naked guy; trim, fairly athletic, young. Just imagine the horror it could have been...
“So, are you trying to tell me Naked Guy is working in the cafeteria?”
Tam nods a ‘yes’ as his face turns a light shade of red from losing his breath to the giggles.
“I am eating Naked Guy’s food?”
Tam takes a breath, “ Well, he’s not naked anymore!” and lets out another round of laughs. “I went down there... it was closed... I see him... rather... he sees me...” (I shake my head at his loss of breath) “He says to me... ‘DUDE! What are you doing here?’ and I say that I’m looking for some food... for you... and he takes me back behind the divider and gives me all this stuff.” (I have to wonder how he addressed me to Naked Guy: did he use my name; did he refer to me as his boss; or did he say that dreaded word ‘girlfriend’?) “Nice of him, huh?”
“Yeah. Really nice.”
Tam smiles to himself, still picturing the oddity of an extremely drunk and disoriented Naked Guy, I am sure.
We ate for a while in silence. It’s hard for me to admit, but I didn’t have anything to say. I ate a few pieces of fruit but it tasted sour to me and I put the rest down. I couldn’t eat. My face started to hurt again from smiling and my arm began to throb. But it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that really bothered me. Then it started to escape through my eyes. Tam immediately put down his food and slid onto my bed and held me.
“She was just in my arms,” I choked out. Everything came flooding forward, spewing forth like water from a broken faucet. I was remembering how everyone was together for Christmas, making different plans for New Year’s Eve, not even a thought going through anyone’s mind that we would be together again the following week for a funeral. The phone call, the tears of everyone standing in the room, seeing her laid out in massive makeup that made her unrecognizable, all of her freckles covered up. Her chest not moving because there was no air to take in; I stood by her body waiting for her to wake up, waiting for her to sit up and tell us to knock it off; to stop making such a fuss over her, to stop embarrassing her; like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal.
Tam put his arm around me. “I didn’t realize that this would all be so hard on you. You should have taken more time off. You should have stayed with your family.” He pulled me tighter. “I should have been there with you,” he whispered to me. Welcome to my life in regret.
I shook my head. “I had my family.”
“You also have me.”
“I know that now,” I said and then as an after thought, “Thank you.”
I snuggled myself into him. He was so warm. I could hear his heart beating. He felt so wonderful after all of this death that surrounded me.
“I could have been with you; you weren’t that far away.”
“I couldn’t speak, let alone breathe, Tam. I think I’m still in shock. Every time I think about her I just can’t believe that she’s gone and that I’ll never get to talk to her again.”
“Things happen for a reason.”
“Why- why would you say that?” I lifted my head to look him the face, to see the actual words still lingering over his head to be sure that he really did just say what I thought he said. “There is no reason for her death. Horrible things happen to people who don’t deserve it. There’s no reason to take away a life, a young life who had everything in the future to look forward to.”
“Would you rather her death be meaningless?”
“It was.”
“Can you try to find something positive about it?”
I scoffed. “I’ll let you know in a few years.” Decades, maybe.
My head was spinning. Words of anger and reason swirled around in my mind- I knew what he meant, but I didn’t want to think about it. If I did, then I would have to think of more words, more thoughts, more memories- I just couldn’t right now. Not now. I laid my head back again and snuggled into his shoulder. I closed my eyes with tears still stinging them.
************************
I woke up the next morning hungry. My mouth was dry a bit as well, but at least my lips and the rest of my face weren’t so painful. Kat had left; her blanket neatly folded at the end of the couch. Tam wasn’t there either. His jacket was still hung over the chair so I knew he had to be around; just the thought of him near me felt good. I smiled just thinking about him. I smiled wider when he walked through my door carrying a bouquet of daisies.
“Good morning.”
“Hi.” My throat was dry and voice sounded raspy. I coughed to clear, but it didn’t help. “Are those for me?” I squeaked out.
“They aren’t my favorite flower, so they must be.” He set the vase on the table near the bed. “Last one in the gift shop.”
“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” He bent over me for a kiss. It was the best kiss I’ve had in a long time. There aren’t too many people who know about our relationship, but at that moment, I didn’t care who saw us. I just wanted him. A familiar doctor came into the room in the middle of our lip lock. I could feel my cheeks flush slightly. He just smiled. Tam sat down in the chair, slightly flushed as well. I was grinning like an idiot, and it felt great.
“Hi, Dan.”
“How are you felling?” he asked me.
“All right.”
“Dizziness?”
“A little.”
He shone a light in my eyes. “Eyes look clear. Swelling is down on your face. How’s the pain.”
“Tolerable.” I glanced down at my cast. The throbbing surrounding my bone was just an inconvenience compared to the other pain. This giant thing on my arm, however, was going to get very annoying very fast. I couldn’t even scratch my nose; one arm with an I.V., which was still sore from when I pulled it out last night and the other immobile, weighing in at a good five hundred pounds. I had no idea how I was going to work with this monstrosity. 6-8 weeks he said. Maybe less if I behaved myself. Like that’s going to happen.
“How would you like to go home?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
“Before I discharge you, I would like for you to talk to the psychiatrist...”
“You think I’m crazy?”
He laughed. “She wants to talk to everyone who was involved with Kylie’s rescue.” It’s funny how I could always tell when he was lying. Like the time he had asked me out to the Jefferson High School’s Homecoming Dance freshman year, then backed out at the last minute saying he had the flu when actually he went to another dance in a neighboring county with Mindy Schelfer. I knew he was lying but confirmed it when Mindy’s cousin Susan told me the whole story at a track meet the following weekend. “Tell me first, how did you really hurt your arm? I don’t mean to pry, but it just seems that what you said about yesterday doesn’t add up to your injury. Can you remember anything about the weeks before you came home?”
“A bit.”
“Did you have an accident? A fall? Anything traumatic happen that could have resulted in you hitting your arm?”
“Not that I can recall.” Besides the ripping and tearing out of my heart, that is, but that had nothing to do with my arm.
“Molly, Dr. Davis is letting me handle this because he knows that we’re friends. Listen to me- your fractures are old. They were not made yesterday or from the day before. Is there something that you are not telling me?”
“Seriously! I have no idea what I did! I bumped it a few times, once at the office, once at the diner- honestly, I just thought the combination of the bumps had done this!” I was speaking the truth, but both of the men looked at me like I was little kid who denied stealing a piece of chocolate candy that covered my lips. I couldn’t resist licking them.
“I’m sorry, Molly, but I don’t believe you.” I tried to protest, but the dry words became stuck around my teeth. My mouth was still hanging open after he left. ‘Three weeks!’ I was shocked. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. I was just as bewildered as he was. I felt pressure building up in my head, a panic-like feeling. Everything was hurtling at me so fast, I couldn’t take it all in. So much to think about, so much to feel, so I just stopped. I saw Tam talk to me, but I could not hear him. I stared at my hands; they were so ruff and chapped, not smooth like a woman’s hands should be. I am a woman, still, aren’t I? I suppose I present myself as tough, being the Sheriff and all... I’m not exactly old, but when I did start feeling old? My face felt like it sank into itself, and my bones, not just the ones in my arms, ached. I think I’m 33 years old, I can’t remember right now. What happened to me? Where did I go? When will I be back?
“Molly?” Tam’s voice penetrated through the grime of my thoughts. I looked for him wearily, but I couldn’t see him. Perhaps my painkillers are taking effect.
“Molly, this is Jamie. She would like to talk to you.” Dan was standing next to the bed. Funny, I couldn’t feel my mouth.
“Molly?” Jamie’s soft voice floated in the air.
“Hum?” I grunted.
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
My face still moved, so I gave her a ‘go ahead’ kind of gesture with my eyebrows and a little shrug with my shoulders. How was I going to be able to answer her?
“You found Kylie, is that correct?”
I nodded.
“How did you come about her?”
I coughed a little and was able to squeal out an acceptable answer. “We received a call saying that she had been located.”
Jamie gave a little grunt.
“No, Tam got the call. He took the call, my cell phone didn’t work.” I looked to Tam to ask him what was said over that call, but he was gone. He must have left the room because he wasn’t on the floor. For a moment, I thought I was on the floor. Dan came over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. Maybe I was about to fall on the floor.
“That’s enough,” Dan mumbled. “She needs rest.”
“But I’m not done...” Jamie sounded like she had a mouth full of popcorn.
“Why is everyone mumbling?” I mumbled. The more suitable question would have been, ‘Why is the room spinning?’
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