I woke up in darkness. A dull glow came from the hallway. I slowly remembered where I was. I reached for the call-button but I knocked over a cup of water and the large, chucky phone that sat on the tray by the bed. I also noticed that they gave me an I.V. as I had knocked that over too and screamed as the needle yanked out of arm. The lights suddenly came on and I could have sworn I heard the nurse say: “They said you were going to be trouble...” She pressed the call button for assistance as she bent over me and sang: “Whoopsies! What did you do?” Her breath smelled like onions. The other nurse raced in and thankfully didn’t say a word. She went straight over to my bleeding arm. The noisy nurse on the other hand kept talking to me as if I were a child. She wiped up the spilt water, which was nice of her. She did provide distraction because after just a few seconds nurse number two had replaced my I.V. without me realizing it. “How’s that?” she asked. “I didn’t even notice,” I marveled. She smiled at me. “If there’s anything you need, ask for Lisa.” I smiled back at her. “Thanks.” I watched nurse number two leave, silently wishing that she wouldn’t leave me alone with doorknob number one and her onion breath. She was still sputtering about the spilt water. I turned on the T.V. to drown out her nauseating voice when Tam came in. He wasn’t smiling. The nurse didn’t see him and kept on. I turned the T.V. off and asked her if she wouldn’t mind stepping out for few minutes. She was about to protest when she saw Tam, this large looming man staring dead pan at her. She immediately shut up and excused herself. She closed the door and the silence in the room rang in my ears. I almost wished she hadn’t left. Tam sat down in the chair next to the bed. He didn’t say anything. I had a feeling that this time, it wasn’t because of me.
“Kylie’s gone,” he whispered. I didn’t say anything. “She didn’t give us much information, unfortunately. They are doing an autopsy right now. Betsy is a wreck. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t make it through...” His voice stopped. I could tell he was more than usually upset. Tam was a good friend of Betsy’s brother Matt in High School. He was also one of the first on scene when Matt’s car went off of the Windham Bridge a few years ago.
I didn’t know what to say. I was still so tired and weak from the medicine, but I could still feel the tears run down the sides of my face. I just had her in my arms. I could still feel her little body safely cradled in my arms, her breath on my neck.
“Can I get you some water?” I heard a deep, soothing familiar voice say.
I nodded.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.”
I pictured her little body shivering in the cold. Why couldn’t I have found her earlier? I should have been out there looking for her instead of napping. Why wasn’t I there? We had a trail, and I should have been the one following it. Damn it, I should have never let Kelly be in charge of that. I should have done it myself.
“You can’t do everything, you know. You’re not Wonder Woman, though I know you think you are.” Kat stood next to me, giving me a stern, yet slightly sympathetic look.
“All I ever wanted to do was to stop the violence. Make the world a little safer to live in, you know?”
“Yes, I do know. But you could not have prevented this! You are not at fault here.”
“I could have found her.”
“Oh, really? Did you know where she was?”
“No.”
“Then, how could you have found her?”
“I should have paid more attention. It was my job to find her and I didn’t.”
“If she had lived, you wouldn’t be talking this way.”
“I had her in my arms- I just had her in my arms. I can still feel her- her cold little hands wrapped around me neck, holding on as tight as she could, not wanting to let go. I shouldn’t have let her go.”
“You have to let go sometime.”
“Nothing would have mattered if only she were alive.” I gulped. “I just had her, Kat...I just had her in my arms. I should have been there sooner...”
“You can’t dwell on the past anymore than you can go into the past and change things. Things are as they are. We have to live with that.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“Is it? I can’t change the past either, and I know how much you’re hurting. This hasn’t been easy on anyone. I know that. Your pain is everyone’s pain. We all have to get through this together.” Kat took my hand. “I know you feel like you have a job to do, but you also have to remember that you are not infallible. You are human just like everyone else. We all live and someday we will all die. There’s no stopping that.”
“I would have liked to have prolonged Kylie’s life a little. She was just a child...”
“We all die too young. We all miss out on opportunities. It’s what we signed up for when we are born. There are no guarantees, but luckily there are people like you out there making sure that we get every possible chance to make it for as long as we can. Sometimes those chances don’t turn out the way we want them to.”
“She didn’t even get a chance...”
“Molly, she could have died at the hands of that lunatic. But she didn’t. She was able to be warm and to feel safe. You were able to give her peace one last time. Betsy was able to hold her one last time. She wouldn’t have if you hadn’t found her. You made sure she didn’t die alone and frightened. I would take a peaceful death over the alternative any day.”
“I had just gotten to her sooner...”
“You still may have been too late.”
Tears kept rolling down my face. “I’m always too late.”
“You can’t stop the bad people from doing something bad to other people, but you can stop them from further hurting someone else.”
“Where’s Tam?”
“He went to get you some water.”
“Damn. He’s been gone forever. How long does it take to get a drink of water around here?” I half yelled.
“Maybe he got caught up with the water police.” She gave me a weird look, “Yeah, Ok. You need to sleep. Those meds are making you babble like an idiot.”
“You are so funny.”
She smiled and then yawned. “Oh, I need a nap too. Do you mind if I crash on the couch?”
“No, please stay. I don’t want to be alone in here. That crazy nurse might come back. I’ll need a witness.”
She laughed as she shook her head.
“Can I dim the lights?”
“Yes! The brightness is giving me a headache.”
She found an extra blanket in the closet and settled down on the stiff couch across the room. I watched her as she quickly fall asleep. She looked so grown up. Kat was born when I was just starting High school. She was such a beautiful baby. Because I was older by the time she had come along, I was able to appreciate her. Kat was young enough for me to show off to my friends. I would bring the baby to the park and everyone would just go crazy over her. So did I. It seemed so long ago. She became a woman over night- when I wasn’t watching. I still think of her as a little girl. She will never grow up in my eyes. She will stay just as she is forever- perfect.
Tam quietly returned with a bag. He set it on my rolling table and started to unpack bottles of water, cherry yogurt, fresh fruit and garlic bread. He knew me so well.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied, dryly.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, a little.” He sat down and started to lay out the picnic.
“I couldn’t find a nurse so I went to the cafeteria. This was all they had left. The bread may be a little dry. It’s been sitting under a heat lamp.”
“Are you making small talk?”
“Just giving you the facts, ma’am.” He smiled at me. “Eat your food.”
“What time is it?”
“Around quarter to 11.”
“The cafeteria was open?”
He gave a sly little laugh. “Well, no, not really,”
I have him an inquisitive glance.
“Do you remember that guy I had a slow-paced chase on foot with, about a year ago?”
“The naked guy?”
“Yeah! I kept following him until I corralled him into the jail center...”
“He woke up screaming the next day, convinced we took his clothes...” I finished his story.
“Yeah!” Tam was giggling at this point, which made me giggle, more at him than at the memory of the drunken naked man who spent a very cold night in my dusty, cold jail. I must admit, though, he wasn’t a bad looking naked guy; trim, fairly athletic, young. Just imagine the horror it could have been...
“So, are you trying to tell me Naked Guy is working in the cafeteria?”
Tam nods a ‘yes’ as his face turns a light shade of red from losing his breath to the giggles.
“I am eating Naked Guy’s food?”
Tam takes a breath, “ Well, he’s not naked anymore!” and lets out another round of laughs. “I went down there... it was closed... I see him... rather... he sees me...” (I shake my head at his loss of breath) “He says to me... ‘DUDE! What are you doing here?’ and I say that I’m looking for some food... for you... and he takes me back behind the divider and gives me all this stuff.” (I have to wonder how he addressed me to Naked Guy: did he use my name; did he refer to me as his boss; or did he say that dreaded word ‘girlfriend’?) “Nice of him, huh?”
“Yeah. Really nice.”
Tam smiles to himself, still picturing the oddity of an extremely drunk and disoriented Naked Guy, I am sure.
We ate for a while in silence. It’s hard for me to admit, but I didn’t have anything to say. I ate a few pieces of fruit but it tasted sour to me and I put the rest down. I couldn’t eat. My face started to hurt again from smiling and my arm began to throb. But it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that really bothered me. Then it started to escape through my eyes. Tam immediately put down his food and slid onto my bed and held me.
“She was just in my arms,” I choked out. Everything came flooding forward, spewing forth like water from a broken faucet. I was remembering how everyone was together for Christmas, making different plans for New Year’s Eve, not even a thought going through anyone’s mind that we would be together again the following week for a funeral. The phone call, the tears of everyone standing in the room, seeing her laid out in massive makeup that made her unrecognizable, all of her freckles covered up. Her chest not moving because there was no air to take in; I stood by her body waiting for her to wake up, waiting for her to sit up and tell us to knock it off; to stop making such a fuss over her, to stop embarrassing her; like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal.
Tam put his arm around me. “I didn’t realize that this would all be so hard on you. You should have taken more time off. You should have stayed with your family.” He pulled me tighter. “I should have been there with you,” he whispered to me. Welcome to my life in regret.
I shook my head. “I had my family.”
“You also have me.”
“I know that now,” I said and then as an after thought, “Thank you.”
I snuggled myself into him. He was so warm. I could hear his heart beating. He felt so wonderful after all of this death that surrounded me.
“I could have been with you; you weren’t that far away.”
“I couldn’t speak, let alone breathe, Tam. I think I’m still in shock. Every time I think about her I just can’t believe that she’s gone and that I’ll never get to talk to her again.”
“Things happen for a reason.”
“Why- why would you say that?” I lifted my head to look him the face, to see the actual words still lingering over his head to be sure that he really did just say what I thought he said. “There is no reason for her death. Horrible things happen to people who don’t deserve it. There’s no reason to take away a life, a young life who had everything in the future to look forward to.”
“Would you rather her death be meaningless?”
“It was.”
“Can you try to find something positive about it?”
I scoffed. “I’ll let you know in a few years.” Decades, maybe.
My head was spinning. Words of anger and reason swirled around in my mind- I knew what he meant, but I didn’t want to think about it. If I did, then I would have to think of more words, more thoughts, more memories- I just couldn’t right now. Not now. I laid my head back again and snuggled into his shoulder. I closed my eyes with tears still stinging them.
************************
I woke up the next morning hungry. My mouth was dry a bit as well, but at least my lips and the rest of my face weren’t so painful. Kat had left; her blanket neatly folded at the end of the couch. Tam wasn’t there either. His jacket was still hung over the chair so I knew he had to be around; just the thought of him near me felt good. I smiled just thinking about him. I smiled wider when he walked through my door carrying a bouquet of daisies.
“Good morning.”
“Hi.” My throat was dry and voice sounded raspy. I coughed to clear, but it didn’t help. “Are those for me?” I squeaked out.
“They aren’t my favorite flower, so they must be.” He set the vase on the table near the bed. “Last one in the gift shop.”
“They’re beautiful. Thank you.” He bent over me for a kiss. It was the best kiss I’ve had in a long time. There aren’t too many people who know about our relationship, but at that moment, I didn’t care who saw us. I just wanted him. A familiar doctor came into the room in the middle of our lip lock. I could feel my cheeks flush slightly. He just smiled. Tam sat down in the chair, slightly flushed as well. I was grinning like an idiot, and it felt great.
“Hi, Dan.”
“How are you felling?” he asked me.
“All right.”
“Dizziness?”
“A little.”
He shone a light in my eyes. “Eyes look clear. Swelling is down on your face. How’s the pain.”
“Tolerable.” I glanced down at my cast. The throbbing surrounding my bone was just an inconvenience compared to the other pain. This giant thing on my arm, however, was going to get very annoying very fast. I couldn’t even scratch my nose; one arm with an I.V., which was still sore from when I pulled it out last night and the other immobile, weighing in at a good five hundred pounds. I had no idea how I was going to work with this monstrosity. 6-8 weeks he said. Maybe less if I behaved myself. Like that’s going to happen.
“How would you like to go home?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
“Before I discharge you, I would like for you to talk to the psychiatrist...”
“You think I’m crazy?”
He laughed. “She wants to talk to everyone who was involved with Kylie’s rescue.” It’s funny how I could always tell when he was lying. Like the time he had asked me out to the Jefferson High School’s Homecoming Dance freshman year, then backed out at the last minute saying he had the flu when actually he went to another dance in a neighboring county with Mindy Schelfer. I knew he was lying but confirmed it when Mindy’s cousin Susan told me the whole story at a track meet the following weekend. “Tell me first, how did you really hurt your arm? I don’t mean to pry, but it just seems that what you said about yesterday doesn’t add up to your injury. Can you remember anything about the weeks before you came home?”
“A bit.”
“Did you have an accident? A fall? Anything traumatic happen that could have resulted in you hitting your arm?”
“Not that I can recall.” Besides the ripping and tearing out of my heart, that is, but that had nothing to do with my arm.
“Molly, Dr. Davis is letting me handle this because he knows that we’re friends. Listen to me- your fractures are old. They were not made yesterday or from the day before. Is there something that you are not telling me?”
“Seriously! I have no idea what I did! I bumped it a few times, once at the office, once at the diner- honestly, I just thought the combination of the bumps had done this!” I was speaking the truth, but both of the men looked at me like I was little kid who denied stealing a piece of chocolate candy that covered my lips. I couldn’t resist licking them.
“I’m sorry, Molly, but I don’t believe you.” I tried to protest, but the dry words became stuck around my teeth. My mouth was still hanging open after he left. ‘Three weeks!’ I was shocked. I honestly didn’t know what to say to him. I was just as bewildered as he was. I felt pressure building up in my head, a panic-like feeling. Everything was hurtling at me so fast, I couldn’t take it all in. So much to think about, so much to feel, so I just stopped. I saw Tam talk to me, but I could not hear him. I stared at my hands; they were so ruff and chapped, not smooth like a woman’s hands should be. I am a woman, still, aren’t I? I suppose I present myself as tough, being the Sheriff and all... I’m not exactly old, but when I did start feeling old? My face felt like it sank into itself, and my bones, not just the ones in my arms, ached. I think I’m 33 years old, I can’t remember right now. What happened to me? Where did I go? When will I be back?
“Molly?” Tam’s voice penetrated through the grime of my thoughts. I looked for him wearily, but I couldn’t see him. Perhaps my painkillers are taking effect.
“Molly, this is Jamie. She would like to talk to you.” Dan was standing next to the bed. Funny, I couldn’t feel my mouth.
“Molly?” Jamie’s soft voice floated in the air.
“Hum?” I grunted.
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”
My face still moved, so I gave her a ‘go ahead’ kind of gesture with my eyebrows and a little shrug with my shoulders. How was I going to be able to answer her?
“You found Kylie, is that correct?”
I nodded.
“How did you come about her?”
I coughed a little and was able to squeal out an acceptable answer. “We received a call saying that she had been located.”
Jamie gave a little grunt.
“No, Tam got the call. He took the call, my cell phone didn’t work.” I looked to Tam to ask him what was said over that call, but he was gone. He must have left the room because he wasn’t on the floor. For a moment, I thought I was on the floor. Dan came over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. Maybe I was about to fall on the floor.
“That’s enough,” Dan mumbled. “She needs rest.”
“But I’m not done...” Jamie sounded like she had a mouth full of popcorn.
“Why is everyone mumbling?” I mumbled. The more suitable question would have been, ‘Why is the room spinning?’
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